Lauren stayed in the car by herself after Camila had gone back into the house. She wasn't mad at the younger girl. She was mad at herself.
She knew Camila had her walls built up pretty high and she knew she shouldn't push her luck, but for just a moment she thought that maybe Camila would have let her in. She was wrong.
If fact, the situation she was in now was the complete opposite to what she could've hoped would happen. Instead of Camila letting her be there for her, she had shut Lauren out again, and now the older girl wasn't even sure if Camila would ever forgive her.
As much as Lauren wanted to believe that everything would be okay and that Camila would come round and see that she was just trying to help, she couldn't help but think how unlikely that was. Camila had already forgiven her once, she had already given Lauren her second chance and she had screwed it up.
After what felt like forever of just sitting in the car and staring out the window, Lauren finally got the courage to go back into the house. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Camila had Dinah there, hopefully it would distract her from the mess Lauren had made.
Lauren decided she would just stay away from the younger girl like she had told her to. She just had to pray she would come around soon because Lauren wasn't sure if she could live without her.
//
Camila and Dinah were sat on the couch, watching re-runs of friends and munching on the last pieces of pizza. The younger girl had her legs draped over her friend and was leaning against the arm of the couch. That way she didn't have to look out into the hallway, the last thing she wanted right now was to see Lauren.
Dinah was Camila's best friend. They had known each other since kindergarten and even though Dinah spent most of her time verbally abusing, bullying, or pranking her; Camila had loved her nevertheless.
Dinah was the sister she'd always wanted, the friend that any young girl dreams of. The type that will come over at 2am in the morning when you're crying your eyes out because your boyfriend broke up with you and rub your back and make sarcastic comments until you feel better. The type that would smack anyone who tried to hurt you. The type that is loyal and funny and beautiful and caring and all the things Camila could ever wish for.
"So.....Lauren's cute huh?" Dinah said, breaking the silence comfortable silence the pair had fallen into.
She was also the only one who knew about Camila's sexuality. Well, that is what there was to know. Camila wasn't even sure herself what she was yet, so she preferred to not label herself. But she had definitely had crushes on girls before, and Dinah was the only one who she could talk to about it. She knew if she ever so much as hinted at the probability of her being gay, her parents would never even look at her again.
Camila scowled at Dinah, annoyed at her for bringing up the one topic she really didn't want to be thinking about right now.
"I guess" she mumbled, turning to look back at the TV and hoping Dinah would just drop it. But then again, this was Dinah we was talking about.
Before Camila could say anything, the older girl grabbed the TV remote and switched it to mute, turning to face her best friend.
"Spill." She said simply. This was one of the very rare times Camila wasn't grateful that Dinah knew her so well.
"There's nothing to spill" Camila said, trying to keep her face free from emotions that would give away her true feelings.
"Mila, you've literally been pouting the whole time I've been here. But as soon as I say the word Lauren your face lights up brighter than it does when you walk into that ice cream place you love"
Camila smiled involuntarily at the thought of the ice cream parlor and her day with Lauren, but that smile quickly faded when she remembered how that ended.
"It doesn't matter" Camila mumbled, she really wasn't in the mood for this conversation.
"Yes it does. After Ariana, no one has made you smile like that girl has."
Camila cringed internally at the sound of her ex-girlfriends name. If you could even call her that. The two had practically been dating for 3 years. Camila's parents had always just thought they were good friends. But they found out soon enough, and stopped the two from seeing each other.
That's when Camila first started self harming. Her girlfriend didn't even care. The girl that told her she loved her and held her when she was sad and told her that she was never going to leave her didn't even care that she was falling apart without her.
She never once made an effort to see Camila, she would walk past her in the halls and not even give her a second glance. The younger girl would leave hundreds of voice mails and text messages and every single once got ignored.
Ariana was the reason Camila couldn't trust anyone ever again. After her, she refused to ever give anyone the opportunity to hurt her like that again.
"Don't say her name" Camila growled, suddenly feeling angry. She didn't know why it had such an effect on her even after all this time.
Dinah reached over, placing a hand on top of Camila's and rubbing her thumb against her knuckles, causing the younger girl to relax.
"Mila, I know it still hurts. I know she fucked you up bad but you have to move on. Not everyone is going to do that to you. You can't spend the rest of your life worrying that everyone is going to be the next Ariana because you might miss out on something really good in the process."
Dinah paused, trying to read Camila's facial expressions but giving up when the girl just stared at her blankly.
She sighed, continuing "Look....I don't know Lauren. But I know she's one hell of a fighter. She knows what it's like to be left with no one. She's been there. Do you really think she would do the same thing to you?"
Camila was having a battle inside her mind. She wanted so badly to believe that Lauren wasn't Ariana. She was pretty much certain that Lauren wouldn't do that to her. But there was that part of her that couldn't do it again. She was pretty sure she was falling for Lauren already, she hadn't even felt this strong about Ariana and she was her first love.
No. She couldn't let herself fall again. Falling means getting broken, and she was already broken enough already.
"I don't even like her like that" Camila muttered half-heartedly, knowing full well that that was the opposite of the truth.
Dinah laughed loudly, and Camila furrowed her eyebrows together in confusion.
"You are so fucking see-through Mila. You're literally heart eyes for her, even just at the mention of her name. Lauren isn't Ariana. You need to accept that or you might just end up spending the rest of your life regretting not letting her in."
"I can't Dinah."
"Yes. You can. And I know you want to. I'm not saying you go up there and propose your love for her right now. I'm just saying go easy on her okay? Give her a chance, you never know what might happen."
Camila knew Dinah was right. Lauren wasn't Ariana.
Lauren was good. Lauren was her safe place.
When she was with Lauren, she felt like nothing in the world could touch her. Like she could just spend the rest of her life looking into them beautiful green eyes and nothing else would even matter any more. When she was with Lauren she felt like she was invincible.
"Okay." Camila said suddenly.
"I'll give her a chance."
a/n
GUUUYYSSS MY LAPTOP FINALLY GOT FIXED HALLELUJAH. This means much more regular updates as I don't have to write on my dumb ass iphone anymore.
love you guys, don't worry the angst isn't over just yet ;)
as always have a good day/night and be safe.
-M
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