Phobophobia: the fear of phobias, or the fear of fear.
-Phobia. -Phobe. -Phobic. Psychologists describe it as an irrational, disabling fear, enough to affect your daily life.. Chemists describe it is one chemical having an aversion to another. Biologists say that it is when an organism strongly dislikes a certain condition. Doctors define it as hypersensitivity to a stimulus.
Most people associate phobias with heights or spiders. But there are so many different kinds, so many things to be afraid of. I, for instance, have what is called phobophobia. A fear of fears.
Ironic right?
Usually I'm ok. Usually I can handle going to school like a normal college student. All of my friends know to avoid talking about being afraid of anything. I've sent emails to my teachers. Everything this year was going really well. Until I got a new roommate.
They had put me in a double room but my other roommate had left school so I had had the room to myself for a few days while they found someone new. I was sitting at my desk doing homework the day he showed up. I had gotten a call from the housing office on campus that he would be there sometime today, so the knock at the door wasn't much of a surprise.
I got up and opened the door. His pale skin in contrast to his black, slightly messy hair matched his tight skinny jeans and band shirt perfectly. It was his round, piercing blue eyes that left me speechless for a second. His voice broke the trance.
"Uh..hey. I'm Kellin. Your new roommate?"
I shook my head a little bit. "Right, hey. Come on in."
I stood aside and he slowly walked into the room, spinning around and taking in his surroundings. He glanced briefly at my bed and desk, taking in the posters I had hanging and moved to the other side of the room to set his stuff down. He sat down on his bed and just looked around without saying anything. Well this was a little bit awkward. What if we don't get along? What if he hates me and the rest of this year sucks? It had been going so well. I didn't want that to change.
The questions came to my mind without warning and the all too familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach made itself known. No, no no no. I wasn't afraid of things not working out. Just nervous. I tried to convince myself there was a difference but just thinking the word afraid had my breathing coming in shallower gasps. Now Kellin was looking at me funny. I had to get out of there.
I took a couple of deep breaths to steady my breathing. It almost worked, knowing that if I could just tell him I was leaving I would be out of the situation. I stood up, slipping on my shoes.
"I've got to go. Got somewhere to be" I said curtly and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me. Once the door was closed and the tension I had felt in the room was gone I felt my heart rate slow down slightly. I gave myself a second to lean against the door and gather my thoughts.
Ok. I'm ok. I looked up and down the hall. Nothing to trigger one of my episodes. Good.
I started walking, not knowing where I was going but knowing that the slights exercise would help me calm back down. I had been learning how to control the panic attacks that sometimes ravaged my body, and it was the reason this year had been going so well. So far I had managed to avoid any major attacks.
It was night when I finally returned to my room, hoping that Kellin would be asleep. I opened the door slowly, trying not to make any noise. The only light on in the room was the tiny lamp at my desk. I looked over to Kellin's bed to see his figure curled up on it's side. Good. He was asleep. I changed and slipped in between my covers as silently as possible. I rolled over and was lying on my back when I heard the quiet voice from the other side of the room.
