Aphasia

Fallout Residue 02

You know those moments, when you know everything is lost, and there is nothing you can do anymore, but you still keep trying?

It's a lost cause, a failed heart, something gone completely beyond saving - but you try anyway.

Why do we do that?
Why is it so hard to let go of things?
Even when there is nothing left to hold onto.

I'm sitting in a river of messed up emotions, and my lungs feel claustrophobic in my constricted chest. Every single one of my heartbeats feel strained; they're refusing to beat because you're not with me, and there is a chance you would never be. You're too far gone, and my heart - with its irregular beats and stale blood - is still clinging on.

I'm sitting in a river of tears I cried, and I haven't cried for so long that I thought my tear ducts dried up and it wouldn't work if I tried, but today I cried because I could be losing you - if I already haven't - but I could be losing you and I don't think I can handle that. My parched throat doesn't feel a thing when I swallow down the memories, until I'm feeling too much and I'm crying again. You're too far gone, and my body - with its expressive sadness - is still clinging on.

Letting go is hard, when you're so used to something that it runs deep in your veins and beats in your heart. Letting go is hard, when everything is falling down into ruins around you and your life is falling apart. Letting go is hard, when there is only one thing that grounds you in flash floods and storms and that one thing is not there anymore. 

How the fuck am I supposed to let go of you? Because I can't. I really, really can't. No matter how far you are from me.

I'll wake up with tear-stained pillows and blood-stained wrists because I dreamed of you again. I'll wake up screaming your name in the middle of the night, 20 years later - I know this. I know this is what would happen if I don't let go, and yet.

I won't. I won't let go, and I won't regret it.
If I wake up in the middle of the night screaming your name, then so be it.
At least I'll remember it. At least I'll remember you. And that is better than forgetting.