I Can't go on , I'll go on

Wonderwall

"We are gathered here because of what our Creator has done. He made it so that people should live only a certain length of time--none to be more favored than another." I could hear the preacher proclaim at the head of the grave. The casket had been closed and ready to go as the preacher spoke his word of wisdom. I looked to see Jakie,Troys mom clutching a rose in her hand. And her husband at her side , his head bowed. 

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!" .

I watched as one by one , people headed toward their cars  to the reception.  There people would cry and talk about how great he had been. His rugby coach would present a wining ball to his mother as a token of remembrance.And an  administrator from school would announce a new garden in memory of Troy. Then they would all spill out with their grievances and the rest of the week would continue on for them as if nothing had changed.

Yet for me, i would feel that pain forever.

That pain that hurt my bones and made my body ache, not just my heart. 

I felt as if i was drowning.

I felt a hand on the small of my back .

It was Tom. 

"Be here at nine." he simply said into my ear before walking away with his family in tow. 

I  wandered around the Fullerton house , trying to get away from the grieving crowd.

Making  my way up to Troy's room. 

I walked in as I had many times before.

It was messy. Just as he left it before he left us. 

His trophies and school books were sprawled all over his desk as they always had been.

Pictures of us as kids and teenagers were pinned to his wall , along with his collection of records which were all carefully displayed.

I carefully pressed play on his Ipod Dock and Oasis "Wonder wall"  filled the room with noise.I sat on his bed , trying not to  disturb the order of anything.

We'd spent many a boring Saturday together . In this room.

His arm wrapped around my body , as if afraid that I would leave him

I slowly walked up to my door and fumbled with my keys. I didn't want the night to end. 

"Well, this is me." I said looking him in the eye.

He smiled softly and approached me. 

I could feel myself begin to freeze as he put a hand on the small of my back and pulled me in closer.

"Goodnight Charlie" He said giving me a small peck on the cheek.

I watched as he walked back to his truck and made his way out of my driveway.

I stood there dumbfounded.

I thought he would've kissed me.

All the articles in Cosmo and GQ had all told me the signs of a first kiss.

Maybe I had done something wrong.

Maybe I had spoken too soon and gave him the wrong idea.

I opened my house door and walked up the stairs as quietly as I could. 

I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes as i threw off my shoes and quickly slipped the new dress off my body. I sat quietly on my bed trying to figure out why he hadn't kissed me. Would everything be completely different on Monday when we saw each other at school?

I heard a small tap come from my window.

I quickly threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before opening it up.

There was Troy,standing on my small balcony.

He smiled at me before taking me in his arms and giving me the biggest and first kiss of my life.