My Secret Life

Chapter 1 Carson-Aria

I open my eyes and squint at the early morning light coming in through the living room curtains, "The city that never sleeps... what if I want to sleep?" I whisper to myself as I pull the blankets from my face, I sit up and walk past the front door just in time for the mail to come threw the door and the small terrier to begin his morning attack. I tippy toe thru the house towards the kitchen on the hunt for some cereal and a cup of coffee before everyone else is awake. As I pass the front room I can't help but look over at the office, the door slightly cracked and the desk light still on. My heart skips a beat in hopes that he came home, I start to walk over with a childish grin plastered across my face but stop short when I see his slippers still on the shoe rack. He left for another one of his business trips last month, promising to return in a few weeks. Bullshit. It has been nearly a month and a half and he has called less than a dozen times. Each call getting shorter and shorter and his interest in my mother and our lives less and less. He wonders why I want nothing to do with him. A deep hurt picks away at my heart, I swallow saying "He's not worth it Aria" and continue thru the house. I pour myself a bowl of stale corn flakes and skim milk, delicious..."We really need to stop letting Grandma do the shopping.." I say as I pour the paste into the dog bowl and grab my shoes not bothering to change out of yesterday's clothes. I hit the pavement with a running start, my bag slapping against my thigh I run in sync with the noise of the city.

I slow down about a block from my house, pulling out my phone and shooting my friend Alix a text "Coffee?" is all I have to say, he'll fill in the blanks from there. "I swear this door gets heavier every time I go," I think to myself while making a mental note that the door says "PUSH" not "PULL" in red and black letters, even then I still pull the door. Everyone in the dusty bookstore turns their eyes towards me, keys stop typing, even the clock stops ticking as I let out a weak smile and make my way to the far back table, two chairs and a plug in. "Perfect." I sigh, while fidgeting with the small tear in my jeans. Just as all of the want to be journalists settle back into their books and computers, my nerdy little friend staggers in the door. Only this time, he actually pulled the door open unlike me. He lets out a small smile when he sees me and waves to the lady at the coffee shop, his own little language signaling her to bring us the "Usual" as he calls it.

"Hey you! Good morning sunshine"

He says a little louder then he should, as he fumbles with his wallette in search of a wrinkly $10 bill he had carried for over a year, like always he'd offer to pay moments before the waitress brings us the drinks. For a moment I think to myself I might actually let him pay today, but the thought quickly leaves my mind as I reach for my credit card from my wallet and give him a smile that he knows all too well. With a weak look he folds up his wallet and sits down saying

"How am I ever going to prove I am a gentlemen if you refuse to let me spend my money?"

I laugh and tell him that maybe if I had ever seen more than the same $10 bill in there I would consider letting him take the tab. I sip on my iced coffee and scan the room, watching eyes weave between pages and soon the cars zoom around the city.

"You sleeping okay?" Alix says looking me dead in the eyes,

"Yes Alix." I say thru clenched teeth.

"You really should stop lying...you're terrible at it."

He says as he pulls his laptop from his bag and opens it, probably starting another one of his research papers. It's never anything interesting either. Old war stuff, the middle ages, mexico...Complete nerd stuff.

"ARIA! Earth to Aria...*Snap snap*" Alix snaps in my face bringing me out of my day dream,

"What?"

"Dude are you even listening?"

"Yes I wa-"

"Don't lie, what's wrong? Are you taking your pills?"

He actually looked concerned but at the mention of my "Medication" a deep rage starts in my stomach, angry I stand up and walk out. This time making damn sure I open the door the right way I sprint down the street to my house tears try to escape my eyes but I don't let them, not yet. I can't cry in front of all these people. The gate is still open from when I left, I rush past straight upstairs into my bathroom. I turn the tub on and let my hair down, taking off my clothes I stare into the mirror. No one can hear me...it's okay to cry. I take a deep breath and just let it out. I cry and I cry, waiting for the tub to fill. I reach over to the medicine cabinet and pull out my razor. I run it backwards down my thigh. I watch the blood slowly leak from my body and I think to myself, "Is this it? The difference between life and death all summed up into one cut?" With that I stand up careful not to let any blood drip onto the white shower rug I ease myself into the tub and watch the blood dance in the water. I let the shower head beat against my back and my tears mix with the water, I inhale deep moist breaths. Eventually the waters runs cold and I sit there watching the steam clear and feeling the water cool off. I can hear bodies shuffling around down stairs like zombies before their morning coffee, the image of my family pouring steaming cups of brains enters my mind. My lips part and a small chuckle escapes my mouth, right then someone bangs on the bathroom door.

"Hurry up! Some of us actually have places to go Aria!" Frustrated I raise my voice at the "perfect child" "Alright! Give me a fucking minute!"

I holler loud enough for mom to hear me...whoops..

I run down the stairs fully dressed letting my wet hair shake as I count the steps,

"Good morning!"

I charm at everyone before feeding the dog and sitting down at the breakfast table.

"Aria, were you up early this morning? The front gate was open..?"

My mother prods, probably already knowing the answer.

"Nope I woke up and showered. Maybe the wind blew it open?"

I say while silently scolding myself for making such a rookie mistake in my rush to go upstairs. I silently try to chew my spongy eggs and burnt bacon. "Dad might not be perfect but He'll, least he could cook." I think to myself as I sweep my food to the floor where the small rattish dog licks up the crumbs.

"Good boy." I mouth while standing up to wash my plate. Just then the golden child walks in, with her perfect hair, perfect body, perfect clothes and a smile..She makes me sick.

"Good morning Momma, good morning Gram...Oh! And Aria, try not to take such long showers. Some of us enjoy the hot water." And with that she continues her barbie like walk to the front door for a day at her perfect office job. Just like Mommy and Daddy she got a white collar education, and a big fat debt record to go with it.

"There is never anything worth a damn on TV," I think to myself while picking at the black nail polish on my thumb, using my toe to change channels. My phone buzzes, a small piece of hope rises in my mind as I reach for it "5% Battery remaining" flashes across the screen, I throw the phone across the room in frustration and briskly walk outside.

"Can't even call his own kids!" I hiss as I slam the door behind me and pull my jacket closer to myself as the evening breeze blows past. I guess its true, the city never sleeps but it does calm down. Or more like, takes a breath. At night it's a completely different place, the hustle of the people is gone and you're left with the stranglers. Lost and looking for somewhere to go and be found. And that's exactly what Aria was looking for that night, someone or something to find her.