End of the Road

I Am Sorry

Ki Hoon finally fell asleep after using up all his energy to cry. Her heart felt like a shattering pyramid, intense and loud as it crumbled. The toy car was still in his tight grasp against his tiny chest and his tear dried cheeks stained her very memory. Namjoo cupped a hand around his pudgy cheek and ran her fingers through his swift hair.

She'd broken his heart, she'd broken his heart. To know it hurt her deeply. She was sorry he had to go through this. He wouldn't hurt so much if he wasn't with her and she felt even more apologetic.

She and Sehun first sat in silence against the old couch in the small living room. The pattern on fabric of it was fading; perhaps giving it the appearance of vintage photoshopped furniture.

"I'm sorry it turned out this way."

"Don't be."

"He's been calling Luhan his father lately," Namjoo told quietly with her hand on her knee, "but I still told myself, I should let him know who his real dad is."

"I'm sorry."

"When Ki Hoon was born, Luhan cared for him as if he was his own. No matter what, Luhan was always there for Ki Hoon. He's Ki Hoon's fatherly image. I think that when Ki Hoon grows up, he'll never be able to forget what Luhan's done for him. They're...so attached to each other I feel wrong for doing this to them."

Warmth grasped her hand.

"I know I'm in the wrong for making Ki Hoon grow up this way. He can't even trust me as a mother," Namjoo was disappointed. "Even I can't tell what's running through his mind. Ki Hoon won't let me in. He'll only tell Luhan everything."

And she felt her heart fold over and over as the pain continued to explode.

"I'm a failure as his mother," Namjoo croaked.

Leaning his head upon her shoulder he spoke into her hair, "You did well."

As Namjoo solemnly cried of disappointment he caressed her hand soothingly, letting her know that she wasn't alone.

Kicking and fighting against her the next morning was Ki Hoon who refused to get dressed for Day Care. Screaming and shrieking with all his might her son continued to call out for the man who couldn't come to his rescue. Namjoo had never had it so hard with Ki Hoon before. He'd always been obedient, calm, and patient. Never had she known this side of him.

When Namjoo finally gave up she stared down at her son bunched up against the wall in his pajamas with the toy car still tucked against his chest. He stared at her angrily with tears slowly drying on his face and watery eyes. Slightly out of breath from the struggle she chucked her arms around him already almost twenty minutes late for work.

After alighting from the cab in front of the Day Care she carried him in. Ki Hoon refused to hold onto her, so Namjoo had to use all her strength to keep him up in case he slid down. After apologizing profusely to the Day Care assistant she finally left for work only to receive numerous calls from the Day Care that Ki Hoon was throwing fits and fighting with other children.

They wanted her to go pick him up, but she couldn't leave. The store was busy with oncoming customers full of complaints and her break was already over. The manager wouldn't let her leave since she'd done so on many occasions. It wasn't fair to her co-workers.

Stressed already from Ki Hoon's tantrum Namjoo couldn't think of anyone else. Sehun was unreachable and she couldn't go to him. She was afraid his mother kept track of him at work and would follow him.

It'd been almost a week since she'd contacted Luhan or gone to see him and his family. Filled with hesitance she ran over in her head the only available options she had which was none.