Alexithymia

Chapter Three

I tried not to talk to Elijah for the rest of the day but everywhere I went he went too. He was impossible to avoid. 

We're walking back to our houses now and I'm trying to stay a few steps ahead of him. 

I know that it isn't his fault, but I'll miss him and talking to him will just be a constant reminder that he's leaving. 

"Val, please." he begs, running up beside me. 

I shake my head and refrain from looking at him. 

I think he knows well enough not to argue with me right now. 

I jog up to my house and walk in, slamming the door behind me before trudging up the stairs. 

I have homework to do, but I don't care. I'm too upset to think about the square root of x right now. 

My phone buzzes and I think that it's Elijah, but it isn't. 

I answer despite not wanting to talk. "Hello?" 

"Valerie, honey!" Evie trills. "Are you okay?" 

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" I reply in a dull tone. 

"You didn't talk to anybody for the whole day! You know, after Elijah..." She trails off. 

"I'm fine, Evie. I promise." I tried to sound happy as my eyes misted over with tears. 

"Well, okay. Are you sure you wouldn't like me to come over or something? We could watch a movie?" 

"No, thanks anyway. Bye." 

"Bye honey." 

I sit on my bed and res my head in my hands. 

What am I supposed to do without Elijah? 

I mean, I have other friends but they'll never understand me as much as Elijah does. Nobody ever will. 

I'm sure he'll have no problem making a new best friend but I will be left alone with nobody to confide in.

I can’t even guarantee that he’ll contact me. Phone calls will be expensive, Facebook doesn’t really count for anything and video calls are more effort than I’m worth. He might talk to me at first but once he gets settled into his new life, he’ll forget all about me.

I can’t get his voice out of my head. It just keeps replaying everything he said today.

I just want to forget that he’s moving and go on with the rest of the time we have left together as if nothing’s wrong, but I can’t.

Everything feels wrong. We swore we'd be best friends forever. 

I know it sounds like a silly childhood promise that you make without thinking, but I always meant it. 

I thought he'd meant it too. I guess he did, at the time. He didn't know he'd have to move one day.

I need to stop blaming him, but I can't.

That's the problem with me. I always need somebody to blame for everything that goes wrong, even though I feel guilty for it. I know it isn't his fault, but still my brain tells me to be angry with him.

My phone buzzes for the second time, and it's a text from Elijah.

Val, I know that this is hard on you, but please talk to me. It's hard for me too.

I stand up and I walk to my open bedroom window, where Elijah is already waiting for me on the opposite side, leaning on his window sill. 

"I knew you couldn't ignore me forever." he smiles half-heartedly. 

"Maybe I just wanted to look out my window."

"At what?" 

"I don't know yet, you're blocking the view." 

"I am the view." he wriggles his eyebrows and a genuine smile spreads across my face as my bad mood fades away. 

"So, when did your parents drop the bomb?" I ask. 

"Can we not talk about that, please?" Elijah pleads.

I nod. 

"Okay sooo..." He mumbles awkwardly. "Have you done your maths homework?" 

"No." 

"Are you going to do it?" 

"I am, unless somebody else might be willing to let me copy?" I wink at him. 

"No! Do it yourself!" 

"Please Elly Belly?" I smile sweetly. 

Elijah lifts his maths book off the bed and leans out to pass it to me. 

"You're buying me lunch tomorrow." 

"Deal." I chuckle, opening my book to copy Elijah's work. 

"Maybe I got them all wrong on purpose to foil your evil plans." 

"You wouldn't do that to me, would you?" 

He shakes his head. 

Eventually, I come across an answer which I really don't understand how me got. 

"Huh?" I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. 

"What's wrong?" 

"The numbers, Elijah! What do they mean?" I yell dramatically, throwing my hands into the air.

"Maybe if you payed attention in class, you'd know." He laughs. 

"I bet you used a calculator for this." 

"I didn't!" 

"Yeah you did." 

"Are there letters on a calculator?" 

"Yes, actually." 

"Well, the act that I didn't know obviously proves that I didn't use a calculator." 

"The fact that you didn't know obviously proves that you're an idiot."

"Says the one copying my maths homework." 

And just like that, it was if nothing had ever happened. 

As I scribbled down various sums.

I felt Elijah staring at me from the side of his eye.

"Stop that." I snapped.

"What?"

"Staring at me."

"I like staring at you."

"Then you're a freaking creep."

He rolls his eyes.

"My mum is making lasagna for tea,wanna come over?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "But you hate lasagna."

"Exactly, I can't survive this on my own!" He cried.

"Gosh Elijah you're such an idiot."

"But you love me."

I shake my head. 

"I'll be over when I finish the rest of my essay."

"Toodles." He cooed.

"Elijah you're such a girl."

"I was joking."

"Mmmhmm." I stated, knowing I'd wounded his ego. He's easily insulted.

"See you soon!" He winked, closing his window. 

I sigh as I wait for the realisation to hit me.

Elijah is leaving forever.