I pull myself, wheezing slightly, onto the branch just below her, resting my head against her knee as I try to silently slow my breathing. She runs her fingers through my hair again and again, tangling her hands through the knots. My flex my arms, straightening them stiffly as my muscles continue to burn.
“You okay?” She asks softly. I nod in reply. I can feel her body heat get hotter as she leans over me, dangerously close to toppling head-first off the branch as she places a kiss onto the top of my head. I hold my breath. I know she’s looking at me, carefully running her dark eyes over the back of my head. Silence fills the space between us, stretching and filling the space like a balloon. Separating her from me. And then she breaks it.
“We fcuked.” There’s something in her voice, curling around her words. But I don’t know what it is. “Say something.” She tells me quietly. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what she wants to hear.
“Like what?” I ask.
“I don’t know, just say something. Something clever to make me feel better. You’re supposed to be the clever one.” Her hands are tracing little tiny lines over my back. Fingernails on the soft fabric of my hoodie.
“Am I?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” I wait. Her fingernails are still running over my back, and I try to distinguish shapes. Or patterns. Or words. But I can’t. Maybe it’s just a soft, meaningless caress. I don’t know anymore.
“I like you too much.” She says.
“I don’t know whether liking somebody is something you can do too much of.”
“Heroin. You can like heroin too much.” Something scarily cold in her voice.
“Not drugs. People. You can’t like a person too much.” I want to twist around and look at her, but I’m afraid of falling. I’m afraid to look at her too.
“I liked Ashley too much.” She murmurs after a slight pause.
“I’m not going to hurt you like he did. I would never-” But she cuts me off. Her voice is sharp, slicing through the night.
“No! Don’t say that!” she exclaims. For a moment her hands stop moving on my back. There’s a pause. And then they continue their slow, careful circling.
“Why not?”
“I don’t want you to promise me things, and not be able to keep those promises.”
“I will. I honestly will keep them-”
“You won’t. It’ll all fall apart. And it won’t be your fault, I know you wouldn’t mean to, wouldn’t do it deliberately...It’ll just happen.”
“Things don’t just fall apart Cheryl. Stuff has to be broken. Somebody has to break it. And I won’t.”
“Yeah. But I will. I’m a world class fcuk-upper.”
“Oh.” I almost close my eyes. My world gradually becoming a slit of blurry night air. There are no lights in the park. The night is flawlessly dark. And so it barely makes any difference if I have my eyes open or closed.
“I just thought I should warn you, you know?”
“Okay.”
“And you can walk away now. If you want to.”
“I don’t.” And then it occurs to me. And the idea sends tiny socks of repulsion down my back. My eyes flash open. Wide with shock. My throat suddenly feels too small, as though I’m being choked. Fighting for air. I try to fill my lungs before I finally whisper. “Do you want me to?”
