Mourning Songs

Three Times Mikasa Hears Eren Sing

1.
The first time Mikasa hears it, her hands are splattered with blood and her mind is blank. She does not feel anything. The cold is there, it has seeped into her skin and her bones and she feels like she'll never be warm again. But she cannot feel it. She steps away from the body, watching the blood spread, and she does not feel anything.

Slumped against the wall, the boy who had saved her breathes heavily, choking air into his lungs. She thinks she's supposed to do something. Her hands do not let go of the blade.

Her ears are filled with the sound of rain, falling to earth, soaking into the grass, soaking into her together with the cold. She cannot hear her own breaths, only that of the boy's -  he becomes quieter. His eyes, capturing the flash of lightning, glows for a moment as he looks at the three dark bodies.

They'll never move again. Like the duck. Like the butterfly, she thinks.

The boy stays where he is against the wall but he straightens his back. She sees his mouth open and she watches, uncomprehending. She only hears the rain. He's making words with his mouth but there's no sound.

Then he coughs and that shocks her into blinking. Against the backdrop of rain, of water relentlessly pelting the world, she hears in a raspy and thin voice, so unlike the fullness of the rain that it jars her into wakefulness,

Tearful was the day
From which the ashes will rise
The guilty man is condemned
Have mercy on him, spirits
Our compassionate guardians

He had screamed with rage and fear when he charged down the second man. His tone had been brusque, not unkind, when he had cut the ropes binding her. He had commanded her to fight.

His voice was heartbreakingly beautiful. Timorous, like the young birds that sing her awake. Clear like the bells her mother once tied in her hair.

The boy closes his eyes then and sings, softer and slower,

The guilty man is condemned
Have mercy on him, spirits
Our compassionate guardians

There are no guardians in this world, she thinks, because the world does not work that way. Yet she trembles. Her fingers slacken and the knife drops to the ground, smearing blood on the wood.

She watches as tears track its way down the boy's face and feels the chill of rain all the way to her core.

2.
The second time she hears it, she is with Eren and Armin on a ship, heading to Trost and nowhere all at once. Nowhere they should be.

Eren had tired himself out with his anger and is slumped between her and Armin, his clutch on their arms tight. He had not let them out of his sight for even a second since they had boarded the ship. Armin had gathered the story from Eren's terrible, burning rage, Mikasa's silence, and the grim lack of Carla on the ship. There will be bruises left on their arms and they sit there, watching the trees and land and skies. The sunset is unbelievably beautiful.

It starts so low Mikasa almost doesn't catch it.

In the stars, the sunsets, memories
I'll search for your trace
May you be visited by peace
May you drift in a dream

His voice is still thin and young, Mikasa thinks as she closes her eyes. He does not have the rasp that came from being choked last time, but his notes shake all the same.

Are you listening, Carla? Mom, Dad?

Armin leans against Eren, head resting on his shoulder. His eyes are glassy, Mikasa sees when she opens her eyes and looks at him.