philophobia

confusion

i slam the door to my room

forgetting to kick the can

elaine rises from sleep

i ignore her annoyed, lazy gaze.

"Did you just get back? You've been gone all night"

i stare at the ground unmoved

thinking

what had happened? Was it real?

No, it couldnt be.

whatever had happened back there i had made up in my head

i had stayed up all night my thoughts where not straight

the thoughts where untrue

obviously.

i thought back to that time, that moment in time

the man was simply a vague thought in my head.

but one that made me feel like there must have been something wrong with my chest

i tried taking a deep breath yet it got caught in my throat

making my stomach jump

what was going on?

i couldn't be falling for the man

Luke, Lucky, whatever

i highly doubted his eyes were actually that blue

i decided, certain of this truth

a trick of the light, the sight of tired eyes

yet i didnt feel tired

i was standing on end

i was feeling emotions

i wanted it to end!

"Are you alright?" inquired elaine

"you look a bit pale."

I felt a bit pale and tad of red and slightly green

and many colors more

but mostly confused.

so i thought towards myself,

think about this rationally,

i usually do.

the chances of me liking this man, luke

was not there, it couldnt be impossible really

for i was a machine and could not feel

to say otherwise would mean i would have....

emotions.

and that couldnt be

i was not that kind of person

to obsess, to overthink, to crush over

the only crushing i did was when i destroyed or overtook others

most often during competitions

not the blood rushing kind

due to feelings of like, admiration , obsession, adoration.

no, t'was not I.

i felt not these things.

yet deep in my mind, i could see

those staring blue eyes.