philophobia

obvious

I go through my day with an assurance

an assurance that the man I had seen and the feelings I had felt

they where not true a figment if anything

I was not one to care for others to begin with

only a sophomore of 19 i had a heart of ice

I had made it that way for the world was not kind

I had scars from this life both in and out

it came from the weight of the world

when i changed my life, for the better I knew

thats when i danced allowing the scars to fade

I looked on towards the future

avoiding the past

the names i'd been called where not mine anymore

i took on machine, cold and refined

i took on dancing allowing this peace

i left the damaged self I hated to think back on

the girl with no life was gone

left in her stead was a girl of confidence

of certainty that she would never love

never have to feel the hurt that came with it

I did not give the time of day to strangers

I looked on with ice and strength

carving it from my old life

left the fear and hatred that plagued me

left the marks that stained me

but then it was shattered and my walls destroyed

all with a glance, a turn of a lip

the glance of those cool blue eyes

but no, a trick of the life

obviously

a glimpse of a lie, something I didn't know

obviously,

I would not, could not, fall for this man

I would not let my heart hurt in that way

it has already been through too much

I have seen and felt what it was like to have others you know

rely only on you, have them depend on you

its taxing and I have paid more then my fair share

anyone with eyes can see this

but none would be so brave as to guess the price

the taxing price I paid

the reason i dance is for the peace I've never known

the grace I feel i lack

I cannot let my life be swayed to and fro

from the glance of some boy

i could and would let this die

as if it had never been alive

of course it hadn't

obviously

it had never been and never will be

for the man i saw was there no more

i refused to let myself believe

that he was more then just some boy

he wasn't

obviously

i was alone, blessedly alone

and i was fine this way, content with my mind

the future at my feet

i didnt need anyone i was grand

and a half turned smile would not persuade my mind

would not fix my damage

the damage both in and out

I would forget the pain the crushing weight

I needed to think, or rather not think

despite having danced all night that last night

i needed to go out and dance more

not for a project, but for me

to feel free, to not think

to divulge into song, rhythm and space

forget the past, ignore the future

obviously

i needed the peace that came with the beat

to forget the thoughts running through my mind.

because here is the thing

i would not fall in love