If It Ain't You Then Who's Gonna Love You [Kellin Quinn]

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The following weekend went by extremely slowly. As I didn’t even have the strength to get up and eat something, I spent almost the entire two days lying on my mattress, listening to the birds’ chirping that announced the spring, watching scabs form on my slashed wrists.

Honestly, I could not understand why I was still here. It may have been cowardly of me to want to escape the pain of living, but then again, that’s probably what I was: a coward, unable to build up the courage to push through the bullshit that life put in my way. Why couldn’t I just fast forward to a point in my life where everything was near perfect? Would there ever be such a point?

I tended to overthink everything until the thought became unbearable. This was slowly but surely driving me insane.

As I just laid there, contemplating the misery I still hadn’t managed to get out of, my phone buzzed.

It was Betsy, the person I least wanted to call me right now.

“What’s up?” she asked cheerfully.

“Oh, nothing much, just the usual, y’know.” I was jaded of wearing a mask, jaded of being confronted with the way things had turned out for her after we had got access to our parents’ money. With her part, she had financed her law studies, during which she had met the love of her life, and was now a successful lawyer expecting her first child with Aaron.

“Wanna go out to a club or something?” she wanted to know.

“Betsy, you’re pregnant… I don’t think it would be good for the baby.” And I would only ruin it. I had the reputation of being a defeatist among her and her girly, annoying friends with squeaky voices but I had no intention of adapting just to please them.

“Why not? Aren’t fetuses allowed to have some fun once in a while?”

I rolled my eyes at her failed attempt to be funny. “I don’t know, I mean… Sorry, I’m just not really in the mood for that right now, I guess.”

“Don’t worry, darling. I’m on my way to you. I can pick up a movie somewhere. Sound good?”

“Listen” I was getting kind of indignant, “I really don’t want any company right now, can you just leave me alone, please?”

She did not reply, since she had hung up without waiting for me to answer.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

I hurried over to the bathroom, trying to find something to clean the floor with. Why did I even have carpet floor? No matter how much I rubbed the carpet with disinfectant-soaked tissues, soap and even detergent, nothing seemed to work, so I decided to cover the bloodstains with a small ersatz carpet tile I had found in the small store room next to the kitchen. Just as I had draped it well, my sister knocked on the back door.

“Heyy!” she squealed, pulling me into a hug.

“Hey” I smiled back, already annoyed by her being so hyper. She pushed me inside, opening and unpacking her bag. “I’ve got ice-cream, Mountain Dew and Grown Ups.” She boasted overenthusiastically, letting herself fall onto the couch, handing me the DVD which I reluctantly put into the DVD player. As the movie started, Betsy pulled out a small photo from her wallet.

“Look” she held it close to my face. “It’s from the ultrasound I had today. It’s a girl.” Happiness had settled in her features. I observed the black-and-white photograph that displayed a weirdly shaped little thing, curled to a ball.

“Have you guys thought of a name yet?” I tried my best to show some interest.

“We were thinking about Olivia.”

“Aww, that’s lovely!” I forced a smile onto my face and turned back to watch the movie. But that just made it worse. Maybe it was right what people said; maybe if you want to die, you really just want to be saved. I found myself wishing I had a life like the movie characters did: Not perfect, that’d be too boring, but at least they had someone who truly loved them, despite little faults and fights.

Being upset, I felt myself get sleepy and drift off, as the movie came to an end and Betsy quietly snuck out through the back door. 

~Sorry guys! Filler chapter :/ But hey, a story also needs filler chapters. The next one holds more drama though, promise! Please GIVE ME FEEDBACK! Comment, vote, etc.~