Intrinsic Despair

Chapter 1: It Begins,

Intrinsic Despair
Chapter 1: It Begins,

Does a fish stop swimming when he is at his destination? No, he continues to swim there once he arrives, not knowing what to do with his life. Does he swim somewhere else? Does he just wait there for all or eternity? If he swims somewhere else, what then? What happens when he gets there?

Nothing, it's the same cycle of doing mindless tasks to occupy our small amount of time in this world, making it seem like our life has a point. When in reality it doesn't. Take humans for example, in our lives we occupy ourselves with mindless goals and for what reason? To give us a reason to exist. For example when a young boy grows up he usually wants to be like someone else when he's older, then when he finds out that everyone is unique and you can't copy people he gives up this takes up a couple years at least until his teens. Then what?

Then he goes on wanting a girlfriend, he gets one, he loses one, rinse and repeat. Then what? Then it's the goal of college after that is accomplished it's getting a job, then a wife, then a family. Then when his life is over BAM he realizes, he wasted his life pursuing these goals, these FUTURE goals, and for what? Nothing. Instead of enjoying the present he focussed and worried on what had yet to happen.

This is why I am considered "Unstable", not in appearance but in consciousness. My mind is what makes me a monster. My mind takes whatever I see and turns it into what it will become and it's mind when it becomes it, like that fish for example. I don't see the fish like you do, I see the sadness and loneliness in his eyes, the want to die. I feel everyone's eternal damnation, i feel what they will feel once they realize their life is pointless. Maybe this is why my family put me here in this hellhole. My own personal hell, Mom and Dad say it's for people like me, but there are no others like me here.

The last time I saw them they said they loved me, but I'm questioning this. What is love? How can one love? It is a human emotion sure, but what causes it? Emotions are usually caused by hormones in the brain but even if it is a hormone what causes it to be released into the brain? Melatonin is what causes sleep and it's released when your brain reacts to the sleep cycle your memory has conjured up, but if your memory is what causes love how can a mother love her children and her husband? If it reacts from memory like sleep, then wouldn't it only react to the first person she loved?

Oh well, i guess love is complicated, not that I would know. Anyway Mom and Dad said they loved me, wait did they? Yes they did I'm sure of it, they wouldn't just leave me here without saying they loved me and goodbye. I wonder when I will see them again, if I do will they even remember me? Will they even accept me into being part of their family and their son? That's the thing about being in a place like this, the big men here say that if you're here long enough, that you won't want to leave.

I don't understand that, but it would make a lot of sense. It's like the fish from earlier, this is my destination and I have arrived here. I can either prepare an attempt to go to another destination and have to find one after I get there and find another one and another one and another one, or i can just swim here forever until I live out my life. I can either stay somewhere that I know, or risk traveling into the unknown.

I don't know yet, but I don't really care, I'll choose when the choice is presented to me, I don't want to do what so many others do and constantly worry about the future. I wonder though, what it be like when I'm older and still in here. This room is quite small, even for my own small body. I'm sure they will know what to do, they haven't hurt me yet so they must be nice. I wonder if there are others that are nicer outside, maybe i would've met them if I wasn't here.

Forget nice people, what would my entire life be like if i wasn't here. Would I be considered smart? Would I know how to play an instrument? What would I be like if i wasn't here? You see this is what i do to pass the time, instead of thinking about the future, I think about alternate realities, seeing if there is another world in which I am not stuck in this place.

The Parallel Universe theory truly is a beautiful thing to think about, but also a scary thing as well. In some other universe I don't exist, in another i killed my family for putting me here, in another this entire world doesn't exist, and in another one there is a world where I am free, happily singing along with my family. I might even be a genius, or a musician, or I might even be famous, I could even be one of the the people in white capes here.

The ones that give the blue and white loopy eggs, they remind me of the easter bunny, but I don't think that the easter bunny would give out those kinds of eggs. They don't even have bunny ears! I asked them once why the easter bunny would give kids these kinds of eggs, and why they didn't have big ears, but they just smiled in a weird way that made my chest hurt and walk away. I might have to write another letter to the easter bunny, I don't think he saw my last one, maybe santa will know how to get ahold of him.

Oh well it looks like the sun is going to sleep, that means it's time for me to go to sleep as well. Goodnight! Sweet dreams!