Highschool Misfits

The Hallway

Yesterday I walked throughout the halls of my high-school as I had done countless times before; however this time was different.  Today I passed an ex of mine and as we walked we played the "I'm going to act like I didn't see you" game. Without word or acknowledgment, our paths approached though, on different sides of the hallway. We kept playing; we played up until the point where we both lost, which was the point at which we passed one another. It was hard to notice; I swear that to the naked eye, a third party wouldn't have seen it. We passed each other and kept playing until a photo finish whereas we both looked back at each other from the corner of our eyes and our steps, simultaneously in stride at the moment, hesitated  before hitting the ground once again. Within those two seconds of hesitation, those two seconds that had seemed to encompass an eternity, a million things raced through my mind along with flashbacks from our relationship; ironically my mind could only seem to find happy ones to generate a million unanswered questions . "What if she hesitated for a reason?", "What if she actually meant what she told me?", "Maybe we can make it work", "Maybe I liked her too much?" or "Did I ever mean anything to her or "Was I just another body on her track record?". It was in that moment, those split seconds, that I realized that I had been the one who lost. She may have looked back and hesitated, however I was more than sure that I was the only one analytically reminiscing on our endeavors. That's when I know I'd lost. I had wanted to stop right there and turn around to her facing me as well but I couldn't bring myself to try. Maybe it was fear, or pride, but we had kept on walking. I just didn't understand, how everything we had gone through could've just decimated at her whim, or was I the passing whim? Maybe if I talk to her, maybe if she just explained everything then I would be fine. However, we didn't talk, I'm still unclear, and I'm not fine. Ironically I think "You're a dub", as some form of self consoling, even though I know I was the one who lost today. I had realized that I had lost, I even accepted that as fact. However there was one question that shined brighter than any other inquiry that had tortured me in my private eternity, "I know I had lost, but did I honestly lose just now, or what seemed like forever ago, when her and I were we?". This was accompanied by another, "Does she feel even a little bit of what in feeling?". As time seemed to go back to normal I received my answer by what had to have been a divine force, in a resounding and definite one-sentence response of "She kept walking for a reason." . I took solace in that; with at least having one of my questions answered. But what about the other one? When had I truly lost? I pondered this as I turned the corner heading to my destination; still waiting on a answer? Shit, me too.