a different kind of pain

chapter 1: wanna fuck

I sighed as I sat down on the porch and pulled out my last cigarette, I don't even know what I was thinking coming to this awful victory game party. I mean I don't even know what my school's team was called, was it rhinos? Capybaras? The skunks ..... some other stupid animal that I wouldn't have known existed if it was not for some stupid high school team. Maybe I came here because I thought at least it would be better than staying home alone, well guess what past self? You thought wrong because this place totally sucked ass. It was the same old, girls pretending to be drunk so they could get away with hooking up with 'loser' guys, guys actually getting drunk so they could sport fuck the 'loser' girls without having to bother calling them after, depressed teenagers getting few minutes of peace after getting high, but mostly just over enthusiastic teenagers destroying a well cherished house.

The shouts of said 'over enthusiastic' teenagers dulled in the background as I took drag after drag of my cigarette not really caring that each drag shortened my life. Because honestly? Right now, a short quick ending life seemed to be all I wanted. Why bother with life when you can mush easily embrace death because life was just so much effort, that at the end, just didn't seem to be worth it. Yes, I know, I sound like one of those 'depressed' protagonists from those teen movies. And it is true me and those characters have a lot in common but I don't think I'm depressed, In fact I don't think THEY are depressed. Why is it that whenever someone tries to be realistic, they are just called 'pessimists' or 'depressed' when actually they are saying things that we are too afraid to accept like:

"no, George, you will not be a professional football player just because you were a quarterback in your high school team"

"no, Kate, just because you can sing Mariah Carey does not mean you will be a successful singer"

"no, Rachel, just because you write gay porn on the internet does not mean you can be an author"

Okay, that last one might have been a little too harsh, and I might be a little bit of a pessimist but hey! I am having a bad week!

I was pulled out of my thoughts when someone landed, or rather fell next to me with a light thud. I turned over to meet the greenest pair of eyes I had ever seen. Those green eyes, if I remembered correctly belonged to the star school quarterback, ..... um, quarterback..... Uhhh ... shit. I don't know his name. How is that even possible?! He was the guy the majority of the girls (and some guys) thirsted after! I mean, if this was one of those teen movies he would be the romantic interest! I MEAN, I must have thirsted after him at some point, right? why don't i remember his name? God I needed to pay more attention at school

"so.... Wanna fuck?" I was pulled out of my thoughts yet again by the green eyed boy staring at me expectantly

"not very subtle.... are you?" I retorted back. I was not at all offended by the question as any self-respecting girl would be, rather I was intrigued. Why, you may ask, mostly because I have close to zero self-respect. Now before you start feeling bad for me, let me tell you my story. You see, I had a reputation. When I started school I was like any other girl, I attended classes, lusted after teachers too old for me and had my fair share of lovers like any other high school girl. But things began to change and hence, I changed. The list of my lovers increased and increased and my affairs lasted for shorter and shorter amounts of time. obviously this was never apparent to me until I came to school one morning and saw the word SLUT not-so-elegantly spray painted along the length of my locker. And I realized what I was seeing and I thought to myself "wow.... Our school has really shitty security, doesn't it?"

That one incident was nothing more to me other than the living proof of the hypocrisy of our people. The boys (and some girls) standing along the hallways, snickering at me and calling me names as I passed, were the same people that I had shared some of those nights with, and now after the sunrise magically the were too good for me. I lost my self-respect because I chose to lose it. Because after I lost it, I felt free to do as wanted to do in my life without offending myself. I stopped attending classes because I found things I would much rather do and only went to school only to renew my supplies.

"you still with me?" the green eyed boy asked pulling me from my internal monologue

"yeah sorry... just lost in thought" I replied giving a slight smile

"thoughts of... me?" he asked giving me a slight smirk

"yeah right ... don't flatter yourself. I don't even know your name" I answered in a mocking tone. He put a hand over his heart in mock offence and gasped loudly. Then he dropped his hand and just shook his head

"right. I figured as much when I didn't hear the panties dropping after I sat next to you" he answered still smirking

"oh yeah speaking of that... where did you come from? Like did you literally just fall out of the sky? Because I'm pretty sure I heard a thud when you sat-slash-fell next to me" I asked him my voice filled with curiosity

"aww... did you just call me an angel?" I stared at him not comprehending what he had said and then that cheesy old pick up line came back to me and I shook my head giving a slight chuckle despite myself "anyways answering your question... I did not fall from the sky contrary to popular belief, rather just the roof" he continued

"the roof? What were you doing on the roof?" I asked curiosity getting the best of me

"obviously not getting proof of my girlfriend cheating on me and slipping in the process" he answered giving a very vibrant very fake smile in my direction

"oh shit man, that sucks" I answered feigning sympathy and giving him a tight smile

"which brings us back to you seeing as I'm looking for some rebound-slash-revenge sex... so I repeat my question.... Wanna fuck?" I stared at him in shock for a moment as I considered his offer and what can I say I have slept with people for far much less than this, and the guy did not seem like a total tool either so it was a win-win situation. but what can I say I'm not a nice person

"I would love to ... fuck you as you so elegantly have put it, but it's just that I can't" I said slowly

" wha- why .... Why not?" I tried hard not to smile as his face slightly fell

"it's not because I'm totally out of the woods due to this UTI I have" I failed miserably at not smiling when the horror fully showed on the green-eyed boys face "it's just because I'm pregnant" I continued still smiling and pretended I was smiling from happiness of being pregnant. The boy remained silent for a solid minute and finally said

"well... congratulations I guess" he said slowly measuring his every word "who's the father?" he asked trying to seem nonchalant

"I don't know ...." I dragged on for effect and his jaw literally dropped on my answer

"how can you not kno-?! Oh ... wait never mind" he said as my infamous sex life seemingly came back to him.

And I burst out laughing and I laughed until my stomach hurt and finally when I looked up he was staring down at me with a small smile on his lips like some stupid teen chick flick moment. I looked up at him to explain it was a joke but apparently he had figured it out by himself and instead said "you sure don't seem like the cold hearted female version of womanizer they make you out to be"

"yeah well I'm awesome .... Don't fall in love with me" I said as I stood up and dusted my clothes "and what even is a female version of a womanizer?" I asked

"you know ... like a womanizer, but a girl instead .... And fucking guys I guess?" he answered unsure

"what about my lesbian sisters then? more importantly my lesbian mates who I fucked?" I asked waggling my eyebrows and failed yet again not to laugh as the horror came across his face. He was still sitting on the porch so I reached out my hand to him and asked "you still wanna fuck or not?"