Looking for something to bring me out of the darkness...

San diego

I'm Kellin... Kellin Bostwick, never liked the name, never will. Friends call me Quinn.

I moved here from Michigan a few weeks ago. Summers almost over so the new semester is about to start.
My new school is called Claremont high, and I will be in junior year because I'm new to San Diego. I'm 17 and my whole life so far has been a series of lies and other miss told truths. I'm going to be honest and say that i am the "problem child" of my family, depression, anxiety, OCD and ADHD.
I don't really get along with my sister and my girlfriend broke up with me before I moved here; when she came to visit me in hospital.
Let's just say that no one really has sympathy for people like me, they just can't wait for the day that I'm gone from this world, all my views, all my one sided reasons, just gone. They don't like to look at me, I personally think it's because they know I think more outside the box than they do, but I've grown to know that they don't like me because I don't fit into their "ideal society", but you know, that's just me I guess.

I wouldn't say that I have a depressive outlook on life, I just see it in a way that most people wouldn't realise until they've reached their death, but even so, some don't even get it at all. I believe that we have no purpose on this planet but to reproduce and destroy, and considering what we do to the world, I'm guessing I'm not the only one who knows this... With carbon emissions and poverty on the global increase, it's no wonder this world is starting to become unable to provide for us anymore.

The human race is like a cancerous tumour on the worlds back, we are slowly killing it without even acknowledging the pain we are causing.

I'm not really looking forward to next Monday, considering I have to go to school and learn all the new faces around me. I mean getting used to people is hard enough when you already know them. But when they're brand new faces and new names, it's even harder to configure.
In my old school I wasn't very popular, as I suspect I won't be in this one, but I knew just about everyone, and I was as comfortable as anyone could be in an uncomfortable stereotypical environment such as school... And although it doesn't seem to be a place where people like to be, I quite liked the thought of not being alone at home all the time, and since I rarely spoke to my family; I much preferred school to the badly painted walls and ripped carpet that I called a bedroom.

Most people would find it unbelievable that I - KELLIN QUINN BOSTWICK. Could get a girlfriend like I did, and honestly, when she asked me out... I thought I was dreaming or something, it was that weird and mysterious to me.
I-I-I never thought that a girl as beautiful and talented as her would even think about going out with a boy as broken and scared as I am. But you know even dreams can become a reality.... For a while until they force you down under and slap you back into the real world and disappear forever into the abyss of never was. You see... Everything has an end. And right now I've reached mine...

As I stood on the edge of the chair, the rope around my neck and bottle of vodka in my hand, I thought about why I was even living. This marked my 7th attempt, and hopefully the last attempt I would ever have to make. I thought for a second... "Do you really want to die by hanging yourself? It's there better ways to do this?" I thought about it and realised that I was being stupid and it didn't matter what way I ended it, as long as I did! I took some of the sleeping pills of my desk and chucked them down my throat along with some vodka... I slipped the noose of my neck and pulled it down from the ceiling. I pushed the chair back under my desk and put my shoes on. This time I was going to make sure that no one would be able to stop me or save me... I was going to make this one count!

I marched out my room, bottle of vodka in hand and straight out the door. I had explored earlier today and found a place that I now thought would be ideal to die in. I walked slowly, waiting for the pills to take affect, I was going to drown. I saw the small lake and the wooden pier in front of me, I couldn't think all I saw was my reflection as I approached, I looked down for a second then kissed the bottle as I took one last step towards my afterlife.
My already limp body collided with the freezing water below and I felt myself, slowly fade away.
I saw the streetlights as I sank deeper, and then a man appeared, he looked over the side of the pier, but then I was gone.

Black, nothing but black, I couldn't see anything, I couldn't hear anything, it was silence, it was peace. Was this death. Or the bridge between the two? Was this what hell felt like? I felt a burning sensation in my chest as I felt my body hit the lake bed as my head finally stopped spinning and I was lost in the final stages of sleep. And I knew that I had failed in my task... I was seen, I was noticed, which meant that I would probably be saved. Or they would attempt to save me at least. But all I could do was hope, hope and pray that they would not succeed in reviving me. I did not want to live! I wanted to die! I deserved to die!