On The Edge of Insane

Chapter Two: I Can Feel The Pressure, It's Getting Closer Now

  "So honey, how was school?" my mom asked at the dinner table trying to break the akward silence.

"Good." I answered.

"You sure? You seem a little down." My dad answered.

"I'm fine." I said flatly.

"How are the grades?" my mom asked.

"Fine."

"You're friends?"

"Perfect."

"Teachers?"

"Awesome."

"Okay... then." My dad said slowly.

"Yeah, well I'm gonna go up to my room, thanks." I remarked as I pushed in my chair & went upstairs slowly. I closed the door to my room once I got in & took my iPod out of my bagpack. I connected it into my radio & Panic! At The Disco's Trade Mistakes from their album Vices & Virtues blasted through my speakers. I turned the volume down a little & changed into a big red t-shirt & black shorts. I turned off the lights & went inside my sheets. I hugged my second pillow & closed my eyes. Should I say yes to Nathan? Yes to having lunch with him? I think I should. I mean he's just trying to be nice. Well, wait. I said I wouldn't let ANYONE in. & I meant it. So I can't, I trust no one. But he could be different. Maybe he IS different. But at the same time I don't want to take the risk of him being the same as the others. But he seems different. He doesn't act like the others. But that doesn't mean he won't decide to break our friendship one day. He could if he wanted to. And then I'll be back to being lonely. No. I could meet other people because of him if I DO let him in. But I can't let him in because then I'll... Because then I'll get used to having people around & it'll hurt me when they all leave. But maybe they won't leave so I won't have to go through this anymore. But friendships never last & that whole saying of how friends don't exist & that crap. I have to keep my walls up. I can't let them down. But sometimes it could be better to bring them down. It could even help & make me happy again. But it'll be too risky. I'm just. I'm just going to go to sleep.

I shut my eyes tight & cuddled with my pillow. I started shaking a little & I'm not sure why. Just go to sleep.

I woke up feeling the crappiest I've ever felt. I went over to my radio and took my iPod off. I curled the ends of my hair & took out white skinny jeans. Then I put on a black fitted v-neck. I put on my black vans once again. I looked in the mirrorr I ran my hands through my soft shiny brown hair. My brown eyes looked colorless and my usually pink plump lips looked dried out & dead. I picked up my bagpack & went downstairs. I got a Nature Valley Oats & Honey bar & ate it as I walked to the bus stop. I was a little late so thank god the bus was still there. I went inside & sat down in the very last seat. I knew the next stop is where Nathan will be coming. I got my iPod out & put on MGMT's album Congragulations. I was looking out the window. What if he asks me to have lunch with him again? Do I say yes, because I want to. Or do I say no, just to save myself from getting hurt? I don't even like him like THAT & look at me already. Atleast I think I don't. I mean of course I don't. What the hell am I talking about? I just have to say no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Okay, I think I'm good now. Just. Say. NO. No matter how much you want to have company, have a friend, talk to someone, I must say NO. Here he is. The bus stopped & the doors opened. I saw him coming my way. I looked next to me. Crap. Crap. Crap. I forgot to put my bookbag next to me. I couldn't do it while he was coming over here. It'll make me look like a jerk. Ugh. Dammit. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to me. Don't sit next to--- & of course he sits next to me. "Okay. I don't mean to be rude or anything but honestly, what is it that you want from me?" I asked. I was so glad everyone on the bus was louder than usual today so that no one could hear our conversation. "I'll tell you want I want. I want to get to know you." he answered staring at me straight in the eye. "Why me though?" I asked. "Because. I just do." he replied. "Well I can tell you right now, that that's not gonna happen." I answered. He looked offended. "Why? Is it something against me or whatever?" he asked. "No. It's not about you it's just that---" What are you doing?! Explaining means letting him in. You DON'T do that. No no no no no. NO. "It's just that???" he continued. "Nevermind." I answered. "What?" he questioned. "Telling you means letting you in." I answered back calmly. His face was getting red & I could tell that he was getting impatient. He turned his whole body toward me. I'm so glad no one was paying attention to us & was to caught up with throwing paper airplanes & screaming & that crap. "Why can't you stop being so "mysterious" & what-not & just let me in? I'm not sure why you block everyone out. But I honestly don't care about them. Why can't you give me a chance. A chance to know who Destiny really is." I hesitated for a bit. "If I let you in, I'll only want to back out in a matter of time. So don't waste your time." I replied slowly, looking down at my hands. "As long as that time gives me enough to get to know you instead of that pretty girl who got kicked out of the popular group & now has no friends & acts like she's too good for everyone else. Then I honeslty don't mind." he said.