50 Shades of Family

Week 2

((Since it's Christmas, I feel like the picture is appropriate and adorable. Even in these dark times...))

It's been a week since the accident. Christian is still asleep, but I thank God every day he's still alive. The nurses have reassured me that everything will be okay, told me to just give him time.

That's all I've done. Every second of every day, I stare at his ever-thinning face hoping, praying, waiting for my fifty to wake up. I don't care that he can walk again. I don't care that he isn't permanently brain-damaged. None of it means anything if I can never see him again or hold him in my arms or kiss him or tell him all of the things I should have said before he left.

I wish it had been me in the car.

Instead it was the most precious man in the world. And until he wakes up, I will stay faithfully by his side every day in the outfit I put on that morning, with greasy, matty hair, and a weight on my shoulders I can't describe. Around my neck still hangs the reminder of his love for me, even if that connection feels like it's thinning with each day.

A knock at the door pulls me out of my trance, my fingers letting go of his ring. It's Gail. She's brought me yet another meal and change of clothes. She's been bringing them all week, but I can't make myself move enough to use them, so they've all piled up in a chair in the corner.

"Ana, you really should go home for a shower and a good night's sleep. The kids miss you. Especially the boys. Teddy really needs you right now. And Kenneth misses you more than you realize. He's having a hard time being without both his parents when he just got you." She looks at me with a sad smile.

"I can't, Gail. What if he wakes up?"

"I assure you, Ana, if Christian wakes up and sees you like this, he's going to be very upset."

I sigh. "You're right." Christian would be palm-twitchingly mad if he woke up and found out that I hadn't been taking care of myself up to his standards. But I'd take a beating worse than the six if it would mean he would wake up.

I rise from my chair and grab a change of clothes.

"I'm going to shower here if that's alright," I explain. "I don't want the kids to know I've been like this."

"Of course, Ana. Take your time."

I shuffle myself into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I consider locking it for second but decide against it.

Even I know I'm a danger to myself right now. Not that I would take my own life, but that I may cut my wrists like Lela. Just enough to bleed. But if I accidentally went too far... I leave the door unlocked. I still have a lot to live for.

I strip out of my clothes. I wish it was Christian doing it. I turn on the water and set it to a comfortable temperature. I wish it was Christian who'd set the temperature. I get in and just let the water caress me for a while. I wish it was Christian's hands doing that.

I take a deep breath. I need to see my children. Thinking of them almost makes me cry. I let the water wash over me, taking away all of the pain, the fear, the stress. God, I wish it was Christian doing it.

I don't know how, but I end up at the house. Kate and Elliot are here. When Kate sees me she stands and wraps me in a hug.

"It'll be okay, Ana," she says. "Just like I said the other day." Kate and Elliot had come to the hospital the day after the accident to check on us. I'd never seen Elliot so upset. But despite this, they'd offered to stay with the kids for however long so I could be there when Christian woke up.

"I know, Kate. It's just hard." I can feel tears threatening to spill over, but they are held at bay by the sudden appearance of my daughters.

"Hi, Mom. How's Dad doing?" Phoebe asks carrying a screaming Juliet in her arms. I notice a tired looking Ava following her cousins to this small welcome home.

"Nothing new yet," I reply calmly, though I feel like joining Julie right now. I kiss my baby's head and try to calm her down. Teddy and Sophie appear too, Teddy carrying an anxious-looking Kenneth. As soon as he sees me, his energy returns and he jumps down from his brother's arms.

Kenneth rushes over to me and hugs my legs. I kneel down and pick him up, holding him close.

"I missed you, Mommy," he mumbles into my shoulder.

The tears that threatened to spill over earlier do, but not for sadness. My son just called me mom.

Kenneth called me Mommy.

In the midst of the hardest time of my life, my baby boy made everything a little more bearable without even trying. I hug Kenneth closer.

"I missed you too, baby boy." 

((He called her mom for the first time!! Awe! *hears break around the world* Ok, so this one is super super short But I felt like it needed to be it's own chapter.))