For a while, I stopped living.
I allowed myself to be swallowed by grief, retreating into the dark, isolated void I had forbade myself from entering when you left in January. Most of my days were spent drifting from room to room, remembering you, seeing you everywhere. In your study, grading papers. In Henry's room, reading to him. On the front porch, admiring the colours in the sky.
I was consumed by memories, preferring to bury myself in the past because living in the present was too painful.
I did not stand up for myself when my mother said I was not in the right mind frame to be looking after our son, and I did not stop her when she decided to move in temporarily.
I was too busy missing you.
Months passed. The trees lost their leaves. The snow started to stick. Christmas. New Years. The snow melted. The trees regained their leaves.
Then something happened.
One day, I woke up and I did not feel like curling up into a ball and fading out of existence.
One day, I realised I was still alive.
And I realised I was not alone. I would never really be alone because I had Henry, this tiny version of you who I could love forever. He would always be there to hold my hand whenever I wanted to lash out at the world for being so unfair. And your smile, so buoyant, was immortalised by him, even if you were not.
I still missed you, though.
I would always miss you.
Ahhhhhhh, it's COMPLETE!!!! Just want to say a massive thank you to all of you who have read this far. Your support has meant the world to me. Seriously, without you guys, I probably wouldn't have finished this.
~Sammi :)
