Haunted || Phan

Haunted || Chapter Six

#6 (tw for alcohol and grindinwho am i kidding we're all going to hell)

Phil's POV

For the first time since the accident, I sleep well that night. I actually sleep until 1 in the afternoon, which was over 12 hours.  I guess I needed the sleep, but that doesn't change the feeling of loss that seems to sit permanently in the pit of my stomach. I must have been dreaming, or hallucinating or something. There's no way in hell that Dan could or would kiss me. He's lying in the hospital, and I have to accept that he might not come back. It almost kills me to think it, but Dan's as good as dead. All because of me.

I can't fucking do this. I can't pine over him for my whole life. I've got to move on and be productive. Dan would want that. I'm sure he would.

But I can't just move on from someone I've been in love with for six years.

I need to stop thinking. I need to let go. I need to clear my mind.

Without thinking, I dial PJ's number.

"Hey man. Do you want to go to the club tonight? Chris can come too." This was the only way I could get the pain out without physically hurting myself.

"Um, Phil?"

"What?" I ask slightly irritably.

"Do you actually want to go to the club?"

"Yes, of course I fucking do," I snap. I soften my tone slightly. "I need to lose my mind for a bit."

PJ sighs. "Okay, does five sound okay?"

"Yeah. I'll see you then." I hang up before he can ask how I'm doing or if I'm okay. I had about three hours before I had to leave. For the first time since Dan was in hospital, I open up my laptop and go on the internet.

***

Just a few hours of scrolling through tumblr is too much for me. It doesn't matter what hashtag I go on, Dan's face appears. Or something that reminds me of him, like dodge or Kanye. I should probably get ready.

I throw my computer on my bed and run my fingers through my messy hair. The first step was cleaning myself up. I walked into the bathroom and tried not to look at Dan's stuff, stripping down and turning the shower on hotter than I usually had it. Sometimes hot water helped with the pain without actually hurting me. I tested the temperature and got in, closing my eyes and listening to the water pouring over me. At least I did something right. I wash myself slowly, knowing that I'd have a huge electricity bill with the amount of heat I was using, but I didn't care. I needed it.

I finish washing the conditioner out of my hair just as the water cools down and get out, looking down at my red skin. I picked up a hair straightener and started to do my hair, getting about halfway through before realizing it was actually Dan's. No matter how hard I tried, there was always something there. I throw it on the ground, not caring if it broke, and try to pat down my hair as best as I could. It'll do.

It only takes me ten minutes to finish getting ready and then I'm going out the door. My fingers brush something inside the pockets of the hoodie I put on. I pull it out to find a black earring.

Fucking hell.

***

The club is inviting when I finally get there. PJ and Chris are waiting even though it just turned five, and they come to meet me at the door.

"Dude, we love that you're getting out of the house, but..." PJ breaks off awkwardly.

"We're worried about you," Chris finishes bluntly. "You never went out of the house before, and this is the first time you've been anywhere but the hospital in three days."

I laugh sarcastically. "People change."

"Yeah, but-"

"Can I get a Wrench?" The bartender nods and turns around to make one. PJ sighs beside me.

"Make that three," he says sadly. I smirk. You tried, but I don't give a shit. We take our drinks and sit at a bench. I lift the glass to my mouth and drink deeply, feeling the strong alcohol burn my throat slightly. It tastes disgusting, but I love it. I need it.

I down half the glass while PJ and Chris look at me with shocked faces. I shrug.

"Let yourselves go. We all need it."

They exchange glances before doing the same that I did. I finish mine off and call the bartender again.

"Get us some shots."

After I down the third, I can finally feel it starting to have an effect on me. My brain feels fuzzy and my whole body is warming up. I have a feeling I'm going to regret this in the morning, but at the moment I couldn't care less. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

I stand up, wobbling slightly, and make my way to the dance floor. Usually I stayed well away from this area because I couldn't dance for shit, but right now I feel like I can do anything. I get jostled around by strangers and grind into them, moving my hips with the dull pounding of the music in the background. I close my eyes and let myself get lost in the moment completely.

I feel someone put their arms around me. I giggle. "Who's there?"

"Me." I smile at PJ's slightly husky voice in my ear. I giggle again and push against him, feeling his lips on my neck. I shouldn't be doing this, but who was going to stop me? Chris had gone off with some chick a while ago.

The slightly younger boy attaches his lips to my neck. "Let's get out of here."

I nod. This was what I wanted; to feel like I didn't give a shit. I follow him out the door of the club, tripping over my own feet slightly. As soon as we're out I push him up against a wall and kiss him sloppily, our hands roaming freely over each other. I'm so fucking done with being sensible. It's too much work. I push myself into him, craving the friction that I'd been deprived of for so long. I couldn't even remember why.

Dan's POV

Tears slip down my cheek as I watch Phil and PJ grind against each other.

Maybe this was better for him. At least he was moving on.

Some part of me hopes it's just the alcohol. Deep down, I know it is. That Phil would never kiss PJ when he was sober.

But that doesn't change how much this fucking hurts.

soz

Do any of you actually like this book or are you reading it to be polite because damn you're a nice person if you are  (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

*hopes I'll get tabinof before I go back to school in three days*