Ephemeral

Chapter one; Nemophilist

'The more you trust, the greater the betrayal. The more you love, the greater the harm.'
That's what my mother used to tell me. She'd look at me with these sad, broken, hazel eyes and shake her head. She lost her trust in humankind many years ago, when my sister had been killed by the king's soldiers for a crime she had never committed. My mother couldn't bear the loss. The day she lost her daughter was the day she lost her mind. She rarely spoke, she didn't even look me in the eye. I guess I looked too much like my sister. We never spoke about it, and soon it was as if my sister had never even excited. It was as if my mother had no children left, because she never acknowledged me as her child in the first place.
I refused to forget her, I couldn't let go of my memories: they were all I had left of her.
I remembered the scent of her hair, the smell of almond and coconut. I always hated coconut, but I never told her. I remembered the way her green eyes would sparkle as if they were the beacons of hope for all the lost souls in the world. The guiding light in the dark, the hope for the desperate ones. Her dazzling smile that could make the clouds fade and the sun appear. The soft freckles on her red cheeks, the golden stream that was her hair.
Ah, everybody adored her so much. They envied her and her beauty.
Yes, I remember how all the guys in our villages were shocked when they heard she was death, but non of them wept. For they had never felt love, they had only known lust.
I was the exact opposite of her: My feminine appearance had always angered me, made me feel miserable. To be trapped in a body you don't belong in, to hate your own body so much you'd trade it for another without even thinking about it.
I cut my black hair short, bristly. It always looked rather unkempt, but that didn't bother me. It reached just over my ears. I had the same eyes as my sister, although only the colour was the same. I didn't have that gleam of life in my green eyes. I guess I looked more like my dad, the same huge amount of freckles, the same sad smile. This was just another reason my mother disliked me. In her eyes she got twin daughters, and lost them both. She didn't want a boy, especially not a boy in the body of a girl. I guess both my mother and the villagers would've preferred it if I had died, instead of my sister. Perhaps even I thought that would've been better. But the good die first, and so I lived on.

I spent most of my time in the woods. Not only because I wasn't welcome in the village, oh no. The main reason was.. well, I could spend hours describing why. Ancient trees that arose from the green, mossy ground towards the sky, not giving the sunlight any chance to shine on the ground. Leaves that formed a roof above my head, sheltering me from harm and rain. On some places a tree had fallen, died from old age or bad weather, and there the most amazing, heavenly beam of light shone down on the earth. I liked standing in such spots, it made me feel important. The sound of the wind that played with the leaves, rustling and cracking. The living creatures in the woods, singing and running and breathing and just existing. The entire forest was alive, and so was I. I felt connected, like I was somehow part of a bigger something. Just beyond the forest was a clear hill, that went downward towards a wild river. You could hear the rushing water all the way in the village, and if you were close to it, the streams blocked out all the other noises. You couldn't even hear yourself crying and screaming. Sometimes I'd lay down there, gazing up to the night sky. Shimmering silver stars, like scattered crystals in the sky. I would feel so small, yet so big at those moments.

I think that's the shortest way to describe the places where I spent almost all of my days.

'Are you alone?' A quiet voice popped up behind me. I hadn't felt or heard someone walking up to me. The voice sounded like a young boy. The voice was pleasant to listen to, it sounded sweet, and it sounded like light.

Of course not, I wanted to reply to the mysterious voice, If I were, I wouldn't be hearing your voice, right?

But something told me that the voice didn't mean it that way. something told me he meant if I was truly alone. If I had no one to talk to, if I felt like all humans had forsaken me. And I was, and I did.

'Yes.' I said as I turned around, wanting to see to whom this voice belonged.
The boy was stunning.
He had a heart-shaped face, his big, violet eyes gazed into mine. He frowned slightly, his light pink lips were softly pursed. Curly, auburn hair reached just to his shoulders. Skin rather pale, yet not sickly white. The boy stood there, barefooted, only wearing a white gown that reached to his knees. The wind howled, a storm was coming, but the boy stood there unmoved. Not even his clothes were moving in the wind.

'So am I.' He told me, his eyes glistering as he spoke the words. He forced a small smile, and reached out his hand.
I hesitated, and the boy laughed. His laughter calmed the storm down, made the stars come out. I grabbed his hand and it felt like time stood still. I could only feel his warmth, see his eyes.
And then he disappeared, right in front of me, with the blink of an eye. Leaving nothing behind but a single, white feather.

That was ten years ago. I never forgot that night, I never forgot that boy. But I had lost hope of ever meeting him again, and after a few years, the memory started to feel like a dream.

Until two years ago, when I was trying to find more firewood to warm me up on that cold, winter night. I stared at the sky, seeing the scattered crystals again.
'Are you still alone?' A familiar voice suddenly asked from behind me.