Four Years... (On Hold)

18. There's more to say

- So... Will you tell me what happened yesterday? asked Elijah softly.

Brandon closed his eyes briefly, took a breath and answered bravely.

- We had planned to come here to talk. I was stressed at the idea of telling you. I couldn't sleep. In the middle of the night, when all my family was asleep, I went in the bathroom to take some sleeping pills. I was so confused I took a little too much. Daddy had to wake me up at noon, and I was dizzy, my stomach hurt. That's why they took me to the doctor.

- Oh my silly dearest friend! How crazy was this! I'm so sorry I didn't realise how much you were freaking out!

- How could you? I did my best to hide it.

- I've been wondering all summer if I had done something wrong...

- You can't do anything wrong to me, Lij! I'm so sorry that I pushed you away like this. I was so afraid to lose you, and yet I was doing exactly what could ruin our friendship!

- I told you, smiled his friend, you won't get rid of me so easily.

Brandon smiled back softly, and they sat up side by side.

They remained silent for a while, Elijah keeping an arm around Brandon's shoulder. Brandon had rested his head against his friend and closed his eyes. He felt safe. He had been so relieved when Elijah had called him in the morning, planing their ride without giving him any choice. He knew he would have delayed his decision to talk to him if he had been left on his own, making the whole thing more difficult.

Elijah was staring ahead of him, wondering if he could push through a little. He had more questions. Did Brandon have already had a crush on a guy? He might have, in a way, to figure out he was gay. And what happened the day of the accident? So many unanswered questions... Was he such a good friend? Brandon seemed to have become more distant, little by little, and Elijah hadn't realised how much.

The sun was slowly going down on the horizon. Elijah sighed deeply and squeezed his arm around Brandon. One step at a time. He would try again tomorrow.

- Bran? Maybe we should go back?

Brandon pulled away and smiled at him.

- Let's go.

They stood up and went to grab their bikes.

An hour later, they were in front of Brandon's house.They got off their bikes and put them against the wall.

- Will you come back tomorrow?

- Of course I will, smiled Elijah.

He opened his arms and Brandon walked inside his embrace. They shared the warmest hug since a while.

*****

As promised, Elijah showed up next afternoon. And for the first time since the accident, Brandon welcomed him in his bedroom. He was surfing on internet, exploring some websites dedicated to scientific research, mostly about the physics of sounds.

- Do you even understand half of what you read?

- Of course I do! It's fascinating! I want to be a sound engineer. I'll be yours when you'll be a famous guitar player.

Eijah smiled at Brandon's bright smile.

- I'm not even close!

- You should listen to you sometimes...

Elijah tried to hide his blush under a laughter.

- I've found a new software, I want to record you soon Lij, I'll show you what I can do.

- Deal. Anyway, I've learned to know I can't escape when you have an idea of that kind, right?

- No you can't! Brandon answered, smiling widely.

Then he shut down his computer and turned to his friend.

- What would you like to do, today?

Elijah breathed deeply.

- Would you come outside? I would like to talk.

Brandon's eyes widened. He didn't reply. He stood up and walked to the door. Elijah followed him. They walked outside, Brandon going straight to an aspen groves at the back of the garden. He sat down, leaning against a trunk. Elijah joined him slowly, slightly startled by his behaviour.

They remained silent a few minutes. Then Elijah shrugged, decided to take his chance. After all, Brandon didn't try to escape for once.

- Please, would you tell me what happened, the day ofyour accident? You never explained...

Brandon shut his eyes and remained silent and motionless for a while. With a lump in his throat, Elijah was about to apologise and give up his question.

Suddenly, Brandon took a deap breath and opened hise yes, looking ahead of him.

- My fathers... The evening before, because of something David had asked them, they told us their story. How they had met. Avi wasn't gay, you know. But Mitch fall for him at the first sight.

Elijah peered at his friend, taken aback. He had never heard Brandon calling his fathers by their names. As if he was talking about people who weren't his relatives. It was even more unexpected than learning that Avi was straight.

- It took Avi three years to understand he was in love with Mitch, and another year of struggle to accept it. Mitch went through many states of despair in the meanwhile.

Brandon seemed to dive into his thoughts for a while. Elijah barely dared to breathe. As if he didn't want to break a spell.

- I've been completely upset by their story... but I didn't really understand why. I've understood I was gay about two years ago. You were showing me some girls you found cute, but my eyes driffted towards... boys.

He became silent again. He closed his eyes.

- I was afraid to tell you. Don't ask me to explain, I couldn't. It's too confused in my mind. But if I couldn't tell you, I couldn't let anyone else know.

Another silence.

- I think I felt as despaired and lost as Mitch was during these four years, and that's why I was a mess during that night. Learning how much his secret had been painful... I felt trapped myself into my lie. I'm not sure I really slept. Or it was a fitful slumber. Early in the morning, I left the house and went to a place I had discovered last year... It was the first time in our friendship that I wasn't able to share something with you, whereas it was so important for me. That day, I thought I would lose you anyway, whether I talk to you or not. It made me feel so weak, almost sick. I was about to come back home when I fell and get hurt.

Slow tears were running down the teen's cheeks. His eyes were still closed. Elijah was staring at him, trying to make sense with all what Brandon had just told,  his tears, his whole demeanor.

Then he wispered:

- Bran... Do you hope I could be like your Dad?

Brandon didn't even shiver. Completely motionless, he answered in an almost inaudible voice:

- I don't know...