Boyxboy one-shot(s)

One thing she'll never know

A/N

This is kind of a song-themed, since I'm stuck with One thing she'll never know by Josh Krajcik and Tomorrow by Chris Young. And yes, like the songs, it's sad and angsty. In my defence, I'm like, really craving to write a one shot, since that's all I'm reading these days, but none of you gave me anything to work with. Hence, blame yourself and my boredom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

She's perfect. Everyone says she is. She's young and beautiful, the object of oh so many suitors. Whenever we walk down the street, hand in hand, she would be followed by longing stares while I get holes in my head. But she belongs to me. She's mine by law, in all intents and purposes. 

She loves me. Everything she does, she makes sure it's for my benefit. She never looks at anyone when we're together, I'm sure not even when we're not. Her body, her heart, her life, she gave all to me with a vow. I did the same. 

Except I was lying. 

My eyes don't light up like hers when our fingers intertwine. Sparks don't shoot through my veins when our lips meet. My heart doesn't flutter with bliss when our bodies join. And every 'I love you' that comes out of my mouth just drives a dagger into my soul. 

She deserves better than this. She deserves the truth, that my world has always belonged to someone else. But I can't ever tell her that. It's too late for us anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember holding the wedding invitation in my shaky hands, tears streaming down my face soaking the sheet. They were the expensive kind: both the letter and envelope were scented with a cologne I didn't recognize. Maybe he was using that nowadays. What did I know about him really? 

I threw the cheerful invitation in the trash can without bothering with the time and place. Why show up? I wasn't a masochist, I had no desire to torture myself. Nor did I want to ruin this for him. After all, he was special to me so a day special to him should be to me as well. Regardless that it was for different reasons. 

I didn't recall getting up from the floor, or locking the door to my apartment, or moving up the flights of stairs. Yet I found myself here on this roof, where we kissed for the first time as fireworks exploded on the sky above us. Where he looked me in the eye as we made love, and told me, sealed with a kiss, that we'd be together forever. Where he broke that promise and sufficiently my heart. 

I didn't mean to come here, honestly: the last thing I wanted was to face all those memories I was desperately trying to forget. But when I saw him there, leaning over the railings away from me, forehead in hand, shoulders shaking with sobs, the whole world disappeared. Just like old times, I'd see him cry and give up every problem of my own to help him. It hit me like a train that I wouldn't be the one to do that anymore. 

I stood frozen at my spot, not approaching or retreating. For a long while that was what we did, what we had come to: both in pain, neither able to comfort the other. For it was the self-inflicted kind of pain, and this time it'd destroyed both of us. 

'Don't leave.' His voice startled me, not because I was discovered, but because of how hoarse and vulnerable it was. He turned around, his eyes swollen, his cheeks stained with tears. The sight broke my heart all over again. 

He was still the most beautiful being I had set my eyes on. 

He took one tentative step toward me. My emotional shield took over, making me step back involuntarily. He flinched at my rejection, tears threatening to fall again, but I fought the urge to touch him. Once I held him in my arms, I wasn't sure I'd ever let go. 

'Congratulations.' My voice came out so monotonous it surprised even myself. My ex-lover looked as if I'd just slapped him. 

'I'm sor-' He began brokenly but I held up a hand. I couldn't do this.