Butterfly

One

I wake up with headache. The first thing I saw after I've woken up is white ceiling. The first smell is the smell of the medicine. Not a pleasant smell for me on the moment I woke up.

"You're awake? Thank goodness. Did you fainted again?" The nurse that is checking my breathing hose, taking her eyes off it for a while to look at the exhausted me. "I bet." I mumbled, rarely can make a sound out of my throat.

"How long this time?"

The nurse chuckled. "You're used to it, huh?" She's done checking and take her paperboard in her hands. "It's been 2 hours. Did you really fainted?"

I remain silent. "Well, I guess you did. Sorry for making you talk the moment you woke up. Take some rest, Hana." She beamed me a smile before letting herself out of the room, sliding the white door close.

To tell you the truth, I didn't faint. Or whatever their conclusion is due to my passed out. It happened several times now. I will get into hospital 3 times a week.

Even though this is a hospital, I don't know why they didn't really know the real reason for my unconsciousness. The unconsciousness of mine, it's only me who know the reason.

It's not about me; fainting. But it's because of me; trying to hurt myself. Or even worse.

I hate my life. Nothing gone right. I tried to put positivity in my life, trying to survive, or maybe it's better if I try to live. But nothing can stop this madness I'm having. It's torture.

I stare at the white ceiling above me. My mind starts to think of something ridiculous again. I hate living with a mind that wants to die. It's just- hard.

I look out of the huge window beside me, trying to change my attention into something else. I want to thinks about the beautiful nature that showed itself before me. The sun, the blue sky.

Sometimes I wonder, maybe this world is too good for me. Or too cruel. I don't really know.

The knocks on my door was heard, I didn't turn my gaze away from the nature as I heard the door slowly sliding open and footsteps are heard. "You've woke up."

I remain my sight outside. "Yes." I mumbled. I feel someone hold my hand, the hands feel soft. I slowly turned my eyes to the figure sitting next to my bed. My mom.

Mom has always suffered, alone. When dad died when I was 10, she didn't cry on his funeral. I thought she didn't love dad anymore. The 10 year old me is too young to understand adult's feeling and thoughts.

I cried at dad's funeral. Begging mom to wake him up; even though he won't. Mom said dad is no more with us. I knew the meaning behind those words, but I didn't admit it. Mom hugged me, calming me down and telling me everything is okay.

She didn't cry.

When one day I was heading to the toilet, I heard sobs. Quiet sobs coming from mom's room. I slowly open the door, and saw mom cried while she sat on the floor. Saying things like, "why did you leave?", "You told me you'll come back and kissed my forehead. Why did you leave?"

Her voice is heartbreaking and I can see she suffered. I thought she didn't love dad anymore. But she loves him. And still up till now. Sometimes I heard her mumbles in her room, blaming herself for the death of dad.

I don't know how to help.

After some time, she accepted the truth that dad was not here anymore, she greeted him every morning; at the picture of us. She always wears the necklace that dad gave during their anniversary.

"Mom. You don't have to come. I'm okay." I told her. She smiles. Her face looks tired with all the wrinkles on her forehead. The dark circle under her eyes visible to my vision.

She's been working really hard nowadays. To raise me. "I'm sorry that the doctor hasn't found out anything regarding your faints." She mumbles, soft. I told her it's okay and we have some chat before I told her to go home and rest.

I want to help her, but I can't even help myself from this madness. Sometimes I feel sorry. Towards myself. Life becomes hard when I entered school.

Everyone called me an orphan because I don't have dad. I cried, but I didn't tell my mom. Everytime when I came back from school, she would asked, "How's school?"

I don't want to worry her so I said, "It's fun." She has enough worry on her shoulders, and I don't want to add more.

I keep telling myself, everything will be okay. Life will be better. I got a boyfriend, he loved me so much; showing his love towards me. Giving me presents and surprises. Not until one day, he leave.

I' was shocked. Too shocked my brain couldn't process or thinks of simple things with common sense. None worked. I locked the door, sitting on the cold floor, I grabbed the razor on my hand. Crying. I told myself, I shouldn't be doing this. He would be disappointed. Dad will too. But my mind won over my sense. I can't win over the monster living in me.

I couldn't help it.

The next morning, the nurse come in my room, trying to make her footsteps quiet; yet it still wake me up. "Oh, sorry if I wake you up." She apologise before proceeding with her works. I stare at the ceiling.

"It's okay. I don't mind." She does her job as usual as silence control over the atmosphere. "Do you want to take a walk?" She asked before walking out of the room.

"I'll think about it." I smile at her. She nods and shut the door. Should I? I walked out of bed and walked towards the window. The weather is nice so maybe I should.

I walked towards the door, sliding it open before letting me out. I didn't bring the hose together with me. I walked around with my hospital uniform on.

I walked to the peaceful place where there's bench and such. I sit on one of them, under a huge tree that covers me from the bright sunlight. Some of the light make it way through the leaves.

I breathe in the air, and exhaled. I look around the place, some on the wheelchair and some with their hose. But they look happy. Like truly happy. I wish I could too.

But one attracted my attention. A guy with soft, slightly wavy black hair came out of the hospital; wearing a school uniform. I take a good look and noticed it was my school uniform.

He's from my school? I thought to myself; even though I never saw him before. I watched him walked back to the bus station and takes a bus. What is he doing here?

Maybe he has someone he wants to visit. I close my eyes and rest my neck on the bench. Before the sun reach the middle of the sky, I walked back to my room.

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a/n: A-ye! Hello guys! So, how do you like the first chapter? Very bad, bad, Fine, good, excellent? xD Okay, i choose bad. hahah. But anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Tell me if this is sad for you :3

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