Butterfly

Twenty Three

It's been three days since the last dream that I had. I attended school like there's nothing happened in my life. Sometimes I would sit on the bench at my school's garden and look at my surrounding. People laughing, running around like they don't have any worries, doing their routine works. Then I think, how I wish I could be like that.

Every day, I would walk back and forth from my school to hospital. Bringing different bouquet of flowers in my hand, putting it into the vase on the tiny shelf next to my mom's bed, then I would sit on the chair and hold her hand. Talking to her about my school, what happened and such. Even the smallest details. Even when I was doing all the talking, the words 'I miss you' would slipped into my head and wish she could looks at me and smile. Even when I know that is impossible at the moment.

When I get home and sit on the floor as I leaned my back against my bed, I would question myself, 'until when?'. And I would heave a sigh and buried my head on my knees as I wrapped my arms around my legs. Then, the same things that I did today will be repeated tomorrow, as well. And it feels like Deja Vu.

---

Wearing my jacket and putting on my shoes, I look back at the house that is now quiet and feel more lonely before I exited the house. Taehyung has his exam ongoing and I told him to focus on his exam and stopped coming to my house for a while. I locked the door and turned around, didn't expect someone to be there, standing in front of my house.

"Did you have your breakfast?" He asked. The guy none other than Baekhyun. I stepped down the tiny stairs before opening the gate, "I don't take breakfast" I answered, closing the gate and slipped my hands into the jacket's pockets before facing Baekhyun. "And why is that?"

"Because I don't have appetite." I walked but was stopped by him as he grabbed my wrist. "You can't just simply skip your breakfast just because you don't have appetite", he said as he looked into my eyes. I stare into his eyes before snatching my hand off his grip, "Just let me do whatever I want. Stop sticking your nose into my business."

I turned around and walked away but then stopped when he suddenly shouted out of the blue. "Yah! You ungrateful friend!"

I turned around and looked at him as my eyes grew wide upon hearing his sudden outburst. He stepped forward angrily before stopping in front of me and crossed his arms. "I've helped you for all this time and this is how you repay me? You--!" He said and flicked my forehead. I backed away after i was hit and touched my forehead. Looking at him, I said, "What is that for?"

"For not listening to my advice."

"What?"

"And this," He said before flicking me on my forehead for the second time. "For enduring everything by yourself and act all cold at me." He heaved a sigh before giving out a plastic bag at my direction. "What--" I looked at the plastic bag. "Roasted breads. Have some." He explained. I was staring at him and he decided to put the plastic bag in my hand before walking away. 

I look down on the plastic bag that is now on my hand. "Are you going to stand there for the rest of your life and get million of detentions?"

"And eat those before we reach school! Come on!" He said and waited for me to move my legs. By that moment, I wonder whether I deserve all this kindness he gives me. And I ask myself on why he never get bored of my attitude. The bread on my hand is warm as I took a bite. "Delicious." I mumbled under my breath. How long has it been since I get breakfast like this that warm up my heart?

"Cry, cry. Cry all you want because the bread is delicious, right?" He said softly as I nodded my head. 

---

Jackson and Nayeon keep trying to make me happy, making million of jokes that I can't even count. But the school ended faster than I have expected, probably they succeeded in making me forget everything for a while and have a laugh.

"You're here again?" Someone asked me as he approached me who's sitting on the bench I always sit. "Yeah. Again? How do you know that I've been here a lot of time, Baekhyun?" He smile as he sits next to me. "I'm your friend. Of course I would know."

"What are you doing here?" He asked. I looked down on my hand before answering, "Watching my surrounding," I looked up at my surrounding. "Looking at how happy and normal their lives are. It comforted me sometimes."

Baekhyun looked at me before he turned and looked at his surrounding, as well. "Well, they do look normal and happy, right?" He smile. "But we don't know what they have faced or facing. Everyone holds their own untold story,"

"Like how you are holding your story." He looks at me and give me a smile. His smile is so warm, and relaxing. "Let's go home. It's getting late."

---

"We're here." He said as he stopped in front of my house. "Thank you for sending me back." I said as I reached for my house gate. He said it's not a big deal and bid farewell. He walked away but something won't stop let me think, making me call out his name. He stopped in his track and turned his heels and looked at me.

"Why are you so kind to me? You should stop doing that." I said. 

"Because you're my friend. I can't let you suffer by your own." I laughed at his response. "Still, you shouldn't done all that. I'm not being ungrateful. It's just, you shouldn't help me too much. You should just stop. I can't.. accept the kindness you gave me. I don't think I deserve it." I said, looking at him who show no expression on what I have said.

"And why do you think that way?"

"Because, I'm not a good person. You.. should keep that for someone better in the future." I looked down on the ground, smiling like I am out of my mind. "Hana--"

"You.. know too many things about me, already. I don't want to drag you anymore. So please stop." Looking at his face, I could sense a sight of anger and sadness hidden behind his eyes. I grabbed the gate and he said something that stopped me from entering my house. "I won't stop."

I took a deep breath and looked at him. "Why? Because you're my friend?"

"No."

"I think I explain clear enough for you to understand?"

"Hana--"

"Do you want me to explain again? You shouldn't get involved with me even if you're my frien--"

"Because I like you!" He shouted. I couldn't process the words he just said, it's leaving me dumbfounded and speechless. "W-what?"

"Because I like you and I can't stand seeing the person I like suffer like this all by herself!" He shouted and catches his breath after that. His chest is heaving up and down. "Do you know how much the image of you crying the other day gives me countless sleepless night? Do you know how much I hope that you would live a happy life? Do you know how hard I try to cheer you up and comfort you whenever you're sad?"

"I'll stay at your side always, as a friend and as someone who loves you."

And that moment makes me think, in the cold weather, under the sky that has a colour of orange painted across the sky, I asked, "What did I do to deserve such kind-hearted person?" and then deep down inside I realised that I am lost and he saw that, then he reached out for me. Then I said to myself, 'Ah, I am actually want to be loved by someone,"

"Because I couldn't bring myself to love me."

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A/N: I get inspiration to continue the chapter haha. Good night and enjoy this chapter! Love you all <3