Butterfly

Three

"Are you in there?" Mom said after she knocked the door thrice. I lazily turned on my side to look at the direction of where my door was placed. "Yeah." I mumbled, but loud enough to let her hear me answered. She slowly twisted the doorknob and let herself in, shutting the door without making any loud noise.

She smile at me before she sits on the edge of my bed. "So, do you wants to go to school?" She asked, softly. Trying to show me that she's not forcing me, that shes willing to accept whatever my decision is. But I've been thinking this through. If I didn't take academics, what would happen to mom who tried her best to raise me?

Will I be able to return the favor to her for all the things she did for me, with just a small amount of knowledge? When I did the thinking, I realised how much I want my mom to be happy, to tell her to relaxed and stop pushing herself to the extend that she falls sick. She works day and night to raise me by her own. Which, is not an easy task to do, I know.

I remained silent, thinking and picking my words carefully. "Yeah. I guess I'll give a try." I mumbled, burying my face onto my fluffy pillow.  "Are you sure?"

I took my face off my pillow and look at her. "Yeah." I said, not knowing what to say next. She smile again, patting my head softly. "But don't push yourself too much." She confessed. I look at her eyes that showed endless sadness, but I'm glad to find a bit spark in her dark brown eyes. It relieved me somehow.

"Go to sleep." She inhaled the air, standing up from my bed and walked towards the door. Before she twist the doorknob, she look at me, smiling. I can feel that she wants to say something, but denied it as she opened the door and walked out.

Silence takes control of my room once again. Leaving me with my thoughts. Suicidal thoughts. I exhaled and shut my eyes tight. Telling myself to sleep, again and again. Before I completely gone to dreamland, the image of a guy appeared in my mind. The face of the guy that I met twice. The guy that showed nothing, but boredom. Yet, still able to attracted my attention somehow.

***

I get up earlier than usual, which is rare for me. I do anything that necessary; taking a bath, wash my face and brush my teeth, wear my school uniform that looks like new, and grab my bag. Sometimes waking up early is a pain in the neck, the bed keeps on tempting you not to leave. But I won over it this time. I was able to wake up from the comfortable and warm blanket that helped me from getting cold.

I look at myself on the mirror for the last time, checking my hair; not wanting it to be out of place, before going out of my relaxing yet too quiet room. I stopped before I step down the stairs, the stairs remind me of something that I did. The bruise on my upper thigh that has yet to vanish. I slowly step down the clean stairs and looking around for my mom as I reached downstairs.

"Mom?" I called out for her, getting a reply after few seconds passed, from the kitchen. She was at the toaster, perhaps waiting for the bread she bakes to toast. "I've prepared some bread for you and milk on the table. I hope it was not too toasted, though." She said, keeping her sight straight at the toaster. I said thank you, pulling the chair and take a bite of the bread.

It's not too toasted like what she said, I thought it was just okay. "i hope you enjoy your day at school. If anything happen, tell me okay?" She brought the plate that filled with the bread that was just toasted and place it on the table, for herself. I knew she would says that, but I also knew well that I would hide it from her. It was just like deja vu. Like the history is repeating itself.

I take some good minute to enjoy the bread, sometimes it hides the fact that life is not that wonderful. I place the plate on the sink, planning to wash it but was stopped by my mom. Telling me it's okay to leave it there and let her do the work. I feel guilty, but I don't want to argue more as I'm afraid that it might waste my time and late for school for good.