Opus Dei

Nine

It's been three days since my awkward, desperate and shameful statement and I still turn tomato-red when thinking about it.

"Let there be only you." What the hell was I thinking? I was clearly pretty out of it, and so was he, considering the fact that we were both under the brain-damaging effect of alcohol.

It was shameful, indeed. But I try not to chastise myself too much over it. At my age, well, at any age, but specifically when one is in their twenties, the hardest thing is to figure out who you are.

As I lay on a beach in Hawaii with Kendall by my side on a week-long trip meant to be my Rehab I realize that there are people out there who have had it worse than I did, and they did not fall apart. I realize that every rough experience is a gift from God, a sort of ladder that has the ability to raise you above your former-self.

The most important thing, however, the thing that I thought was long lost, is to keep yourself close to...you. In the society we live in, under the heavy burden of judgmental people, when time flies by faster than ever before it is crucial to keep your spirit at ease, and your morals above most people.

I realized that I was heading down the wrong path, I was choosing Lindsay Lohan over Hazel Grace. It really does not matter that at the end of the day Grace died, what matters that she died in a gracefully manner, through faith and with her head held high, proud of her inner self. She never died, she will live on, because she was a happy person, content with herself. Lohan, however, is long gone.

So that's what I am trying to do. Shake of the Lohan meets Cyrus inside of me and become a genuinely happy person, one that appreciates the fights thrown at her, one that draws a lesson that challenges and changes her into a better individual every time. They say that God gives the hardest battles to his stronger solders so whenever things seem overwhelming I'm gonna think of that.

Kendall lies on her back, the sun kissing her caramel skin and making her flesh glow as if she is part of a Victoria's Secret catalog, sprayed with some kind of oil as she laughs whole heartedly at something Matt said over the phone. She seems relaxed, her giggles and smiles giving away how happy he makes her. It's insane, how close they grew in such a short amount of time, and how well it shows on both of them that they are extremely happy in each other's presence. They did not put a label on their relationship, for nothing happened between them but from falling asleep over the phone to knowing each other's shoe size they are pretty much in a serious relationship. Kendall is happier than I have ever seen her, she glows in a manner that scares me, it almost physically shows on her that she likes him, you can read it in her attitude, her movements, her words...even when he is not around. Is it possible, for someone to have such an effect on another human being? It scares me, because being the paranoid person that I am I keep imagining what it would be like if he would hurt her (which considering what him and his brother do, is not completely unimaginable) and I believe that it would tear her apart. Which I don't want to live to see.

When we left for the airport Matt was nice enough to surprise us both and show up in front of our apartment building in a Range Rover, with snacks and two copies of Wuthering Heights to keep us from getting too bored on the plane. Kendall was like a firework from the moment she saw him leaning on the hood of his car until the moment he kissed her forehead goodbye. I couldn't help but notice the glances they stole at each other whenever a cheesy song would come on the radio, and it might seem cliché but I swear that I've never seen a man look at a woman the way Matt looked at Kendall while she embarrassed herself trying to cover Ariana Grande.

Even though they are brothers, Vincent is nothing like him. While Matt is insanely spontaneous and lives in the moment, Vincent seems to overthink even the smallest thing that he does. Before the night of shame when I embarrassed myself I don't remember ever seeing him so ...bare, so light without the burden of his worries or thoughts. That night he smiled so wickedly, flashed me this boyish grin, touched me without putting any barrier or pressure between us. This made me think of the life behind this man, the story that unfolded in order to create this outcome.