Welcome to the Crazy House

Epilogue: Spokoynoy nochi

"Maman and I moved into a small country house. It looked nothing like houses in Russia. But she was very happy about the change and for that, I was too. My room was the biggest one, but it was still small. It had wooden walls and a big window. It had its own bathroom. Maman saw the house as a new and better start. She applied for a job as a cleaner in an elementary school and I started a new school year in an English high school. Firstly people looked at me as if I was an exotic animal, but soon they realised, I was just as human as they were. I befriended a group of lovely people. Ron, Amelia and Pete. They accepted me as theirs and we became good friends. They helped me with my English classes and, to be honest, they were the best company I had ever had.

We had been in the new house for a month when maman said she is going on a date with a teacher. Only two months later, they were dating. Hardcore. He moved into the house. Maman was really happy. She was shining. And he, Lex, seemed like a good man, so I was happy for her. He worked in the mornings and maman in the afternoons so I spent almost all of my evenings with him. We didn't talk much. Questions about weather or school were asked and answers "yes", "okay", "mhm" were given. He was a strong man. He had brown hair, grey on the sides. He wore tight woolen sweaters and I could always see his masculine body. He was tall, very tall ... with a deep voice. But all in all, his face looked friendly. After months of him being a part of our family, I accepted the fact that he was not going away. He didn't bother me but he didn't really excite me either.

Sometimes he got strange. He looked at me as if I was a statue that needed to be appreciated. He walked around me and sometimes said that I had pretty eyes or that I looked very young. I didn't understand him. He confused me. He continued doing his strange observations. I had mentioned his behaviour to maman once, but she said I was overreacting and that he was just proud of me. She said I should accept him as a new papa. "Never," I thought. That day, when we came home, Lex hugged me. Maman found his gesture cute, but I got scared. He didn't hug me as papa hugged me. No. He hugged me the same way papa once hugged maman. I didn't understand.

On a cold February evening, as always, I came home from school. I entered the living room and Lex was there. I said hi and walked upstairs. I sat down, took my jacket off and laid back. I wanted to read a book. I heard steps. I thought Lex was going to maman's bedroom but he stopped ten steps away from it. I heard a knock. He entered. I saw his eyes, dark, filled with passion. And I felt my eyes, filled with fear as he came closer. He didn't look friendly anymore. His eyes travelled from my toes up to my head. He ordered me to stand up. I did. He leaned his face close to mine and whispered: "You are going to please me." In the same second he pushed me on the floor. I tried to escape. I screamed, yelled, cried. I called for help but nobody heard me. I tried to hit him but he was so tall and I so small. He grabbed me, hit me, kissed me. I couldn't breathe. I begged him to stop, he was hurting me, but he smiled. He smiled and continued. He was thrusting himself in and out of me. I was crying, begging him to stop but he didn't mind to notice. He didn't stop. His sweat dripped from his chest on my body. He finished. Tired of his work, he fell down on me. I couldn't move. He was moaning. Laughing. He was so proud of himself. And I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move and I couldn't scream. He threatened me he would hurt maman if I told her anything and left the room. I was bleeding. Salt of his sweat burned my chest. I couldn't stand up. I crawled to the bathroom, into the bath and opened the tap. I let the water consume my body. I was a child. I didn't realize what happened. All I knew was that he had hurt me. I was in pain. Terrible pain. My body was burning and I tried to put the fire off with cold water but it didn't help. I was burned. I overslept the next day. I told myself it would get better. He wouldn't return. No. Everything would be as it had been; I just had to keep quiet. Oh, how wrong I had been. He returned. He returned again and again. He returned almost every day. I defended myself. I swear to God I did my best to protect myself but I couldn't. He came in me every day. And I couldn't stop him. I didn't know how. I was a child. Every day I walked home from school in pain and fear. I had known exactly what was waiting for me and I still entered the house. Sometimes I sat in front of the house, trying to collect enough courage to enter. I once took too long and he stepped out, found me there and punched me three times. I didn't do that anymore. After months and months of continuous rape, I got numb. I didn't feel the pain, I didn't feel him ... all I felt was disgust. Disgust so strong, it kept me silent. I started to look for ways of not being at home as much as possible. I overslept at Pete or Amelia's house a few times. But I didn't tell them anything. Lex didn't believe me and as a punishment he hit and raped me till I was bleeding. I still remember lying on the bathroom floor crying and asking God for help. I prayed and prayed but nothing changed. Lex was still there, maman was still working and I was still in pain. Alcohol helped. Two glasses of wine before coming home made his body bearable. Two glasses turned into three and three into four ... I was weaker and weaker. With every day I was deeper in Lex's enslavement. I think maman knew what was happening but was too frightened to say anything. I was a child. And I didn't know what abuse was. I didn't understand. It wasn't my fault. He made me feel guilty, he shamed me and he humiliated me. And I believed him. I was worthless and nobody could ever love me. "It is all my fault," I was saying to myself, trying to understand it. But I couldn't. I didn't understand it. I was a child. I couldn't defend myself. He was a grown up. Nobody helped me. Nobody knew.

After 7 months of continuous abuse Ron, Amelia and Pete helped me find a flat. They knew Lex was violent. They knew nothing of rape, but they knew everything about hits. They could see it. And they were worried. They were the only people that have ever worried about me. I said goodbye to maman and left. Lex never came to my apartment. He forgot about me. For that, I thanked God many times. Yes, he forgot about me. But I couldn't forget him. Every night I dreamt horrible dreams, every evening I cried. I felt guilty and responsible for everything that had happened. A doctor prescribed me sleeping pills and I got addicted. Pills made my brain empty. They erased my memory for an hour or two. And if I took more pills, I got more hours of nothing. And when you, doctors, crushed the doors of my apartment, when you pulled my leg to get me in your arms, you scared me. It was like Lex returned. I thought you were taking me back to him. But when you closed me into a small white room I felt safe. Yes, I wanted to escape, I wanted to be free but the truth is, I just wanted to be free from his stigma. I was never safer from Lex than I was in that little white room. And you are probably wondering why I told you everything. Why now? You are wondering why am I sobbing here, after five years of silence. And I will tell you. I will tell you everything, because I want to be free. It was an attempt to tell you how horrible Lex was and finally ask for help. I feel so much anger inside of me. But I am tired of being angry. Telling you everything was supposed to be a kind of purification. But for some reason, I don't feel any better. I am burning again."

I left the room. I was not crying anymore.

*

On December 31st 2015, Evgeni Dmitriyevich Romanowski was found dead in the room 111. He was almost 25 years old. For almost a year he has been collecting pills that he then consumed. He was planning all this to happen. He liberated himself from The Crazy House and from Lex. He succeeded.

They buried Evgeni in an English cemetery. His wish to be next to papa was not fulfilled. Funeral was simple. Rita, mother Viktoriya, Ron, Amelia, Pete, Louise and even Bob were presented. Few weeks later Rita visited the police station. Lex lost his job as a teacher but was never legally responsible for Evgeni's suffering. But don't worry; God took good care of him.

A month after Evgeni's funeral a dark-eyed boy, whose name was either Harry or Henry sat next to Evgeni's grave. He looked healthy. In his hands, he was holding a book Evgeni once mentioned as his favourite. He smiled and started reading: V načale ijulja, v črezvyčajno žarkoe vremja, pod večer, odin molodoj čelovek vyšel iz svoej kamorki ...*

THE END

Special thanks to Walter Summer, an artist who allowed me to use his art for the book cover of Welcome to the Crazy House.

*Cited from http://bit.ly/1FXyCuR (on 10 October 2015)

Copyright © 2015 by Ben Zajc. All rights reserved.

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If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, please know that help is available.

You can find helpful telephone numbers for all countries on this webpage: http://bit.ly/1LFaRtS