Look At Me

Trust me

Trust me

It has been a month since I’ve confessed to him. He was shocked and speechless, but he didn’t reject me. He wanted to think about it, so I let him. And, for a month, I didn’t ask him about it again. He didn’t talk anymore about his ex-girlfriend and we were back to our old self. Though there were some awkward moments here and there, since he already knew how I felt, but I didn’t think much about it until now.

I was in my locker getting my book, when I noticed him walking towards me, talking to someone else. I wave at him to get his attention, but he didn’t look my way. I close my locker and met him half way, bumping him playfully.

“Hey yah! What yah doing mate?” I ask, using my phony impression of an Australian accent.

“God… really, Alexis?” He said annoyed.

“What? No, good morning beautiful Alexis?” I asked, ignoring his mood.

“Morning.” He said, and turned his attention back to the guy he was talking.

For a moment, I stood there with nothing to do. I felt insulted and angry towards him. But, I could never be truly mad at him, so I gave him a piece of my mind and be done with it.

“Fine! Ignore me if you want! I don’t care anymore!” I shouted at him, already at my capacity. I walked away from him, not even bothering to see his reaction. I had enough.

But before I could step foot into my first class, a hand dragged me back towards the almost empty hallway. I turned and looked at an angry Chase, pulling me by my wrist. I tried to let him let go of me, but he only tightened his grip.

“Chase, let go…” I said, still trying to take his hands off my wrist.

He stopped walking as we turned into an empty hallway and let go of me.

“What’s the deal?” I ask, annoyed at his sudden action.

“Why are you acting like that?”He asks his voice stern.

  “No, why are you acting like this?”I throw him back his question. “You have been different since I confessed. I had enough.” I added, pissed.

“I... It’s not…”He started, stunned by what I said.

“Chase, I can take it whatever is your decision. But, I don’t want you to treat me differently because of it. I hate to be that person.”I started, looking directly at him. “Sure it would be great that you return my feelings, but I want you to trust me that I wouldn’t let this get in between our friendship. You know me better than that.” I added.

“Alex, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”He said, his eyes filled with guilt and sadness.

“Don’t be. This was my fault. I shouldn’t have told you how I felt when you just broke up with her.” I said, giving him a soft smile, and then I let out a huge breath. “How about we forget I ever said that… I don’t want you over thinking things like this…” I added.

“But… I don’t want you…” he started.

“No buts’… I want you to trust me on this. Don’t think too much, okay. We are friends first, always remember that.” I said, and force out a smile.

“Okay.” He agreed, nodding his head slowly. “But, I’m really sorry…” he added.

“Not a word, Chase. Not a word.” I said sternly, and then I looked at him and smirked. “Let’s go. We are already late for class.”I added, gesturing him to go.

On our walk towards class, my heart sank deeper and deeper. I wanted to ran away and get out of here to cry my heart out. I knew it was a long shot to begin with, and I don’t want to ruin the friendship we had. I’d rather live my life loving him silently than lose him because of it. It was a mistake when I told him that I love him, and at this moment, I truly wish that I hadn’t.

For weeks, our friendship slowly returned to its normal state. I was both relieved and hurt that it was like this, but I couldn’t ever stop loving him. Today, it became even harder when he told me he liked someone else. My only reply was a smile as my heart hurt and sank even more.

“Hey, Alex. You’re classmates with her in physics, right?” Chase asked me, as he walked to the cafeteria during lunch. He was asking me about his new infatuation, Molly.

“Yea, she is. Why? Do you want to have a blind date? I can totally set you up…” I said playfully, teasing him.

“Haha. Very funny…” he replied, blushing.

I smirked at his reaction, but my heart felt like someone was squeezing it. I let the feeling drop and nudged him teasingly. I walked ahead of him to the cafeteria, not wanting him to see how my face fell at the sight of him falling in love with some else again.

I was breaking, that I slowly knew. But, I don’t want to break the trust I’ve given to him. I was his friend first, and I want to support him on things that made him happy. Yet, in doing so, I was making myself miserable. I watch him fall in love again, I was happy to see him happy. But, watching him now, made me hurt even more since he knew that I love him yet he chooses to love another. At some point, I was bound to break, I was bound to give in, but not right now, since I am, first, his best friend, I would smile and pretend that I wasn’t hurting.