The mall had been pleasant for Sananda, there were so many people around that she didn't feel that awkward around him. By the time they had dined and come back to their hotel it was nine. The night air was thick with the chills of October and Tushar turned on the heater in their room. "Don't tell me you're sleepy already." he exclaimed when he saw her tucking into bed.
"Uh no, I was just trying to get in the sheets, it's so cold. Could you turn the TV on please?"
"I was thinking maybe we could talk tonight. Do you have something special to watch?"
"No, nothing like that" she admitted.
"That's better. It seems like last week went away in a rush. I mean I hardly found time alone with you."
Sananda knew what he meant. The few days they'd been married weren't that eventful for her fortunately. She had many more distractions back there that she could use to avoid him. He wasn't really that pressing either, not even at night. She just lay on her side of the bed like a dead fish; afraid to move a muscle at the wrong time lest he became aware of the living body next to him. But here it was just the two of them. Who knew, he was probably saving himself for now.
Tushar turned on the night lamp and sat down beside her. "It seems I'm doing all the talking. Say something, you're killing me here."
She thought for a moment and asked, "So where have you travelled to before?"
He raised his eyebrows at the unexpected question.
"You like to travel right? What places have you been to till now?" she explained.
"I like the mountains so Kashmir, Sikkim, Ladakh, Kumaon, Badrinath and most recently the Nilgiri hills. Trekking with my buddies is one of my favourite things. I guess that's why we're here on a hill station. And you?"
"I'm not really a mountain person. They scare me."
"Really?"
"I mean mountains are beautiful. I've been to Kashmir when I was little and it was breath-taking. But I guess the sea is where my heart belongs."
"You should've told me before. I'd have booked tickets to Goa then."
Sananda let out a small chuckle.
"Jackpot" Tushar grinned, "So what are your favourite seaside destinations?"
"I remember our trip to the Andamans, you know, back when I was in the eleventh. Have you ever been there? It is beautiful; blue skies and even bluer water. And there was this Neil Island where we stayed back for three days because Papa had liked it so much. I used to lie down on the hammocks in the night and watch the moonlight on the water. We literally stayed on the beach. It was the most memorable experience. I guess it was the last time I went on holiday with my family."
"That's probably the reason why."
"Probably..." she wondered.
"Can I ask you something?"
She nodded.
"What happened in the accident? You don't have to answer if you prefer not to. It's just that I've been thinking about it since I met you at your place, but I guess I could never bring myself to ask you."
Sananda let out a soft sigh and said, "It's all right. You deserve to know." Looking down she continued, "Now that I come to think of it, it happened right about a year after the Andaman trip. There was a fortnight left before my pre-boards...and we had a wedding reception to attend. I always hated dressing up to go to parties and I had a good reason to get out of it that day. I remember scolding Mimi for putting on too much makeup; I hated it when she did that. Anyway, all I got to know later that night was that a goods lorry had lost control and hit our car head-on. That was it." She looked at him and let out a smirk, "It feels weird, I've never really shared this with anyone." Her smile morphed into a painful line across her face as she held back her tears. Tushar watched her silently, trying to connect with her emotion. "All I could think of after" she continued, "was that I was supposed to be in that car. I should've been there with them. I...I did not deserve to live. I did not deserve to be left alone. I didn't know who to be angry on; I still don't. It wasn't fair, it wasn't..." she choked on her sobs.
"Fuck" she exclaimed in frustration at having made herself vulnerable in front of him. Staring into his pitiful eyes took her over the edge. Turning the other way she covered her mouth with her arm still trying to fight the tears that were streaming down her face. Tushar held her with both hands and she gave in completely. He tried to say "It's okay, it's okay" but she buried her face against his arm and cried her heart out. She was still panting as he lifted her face, brushed off the strands of hair scattered across it and wiped her eyes that were now reddened.
"Shh, now stop crying" he said gently. Sananda straightened away from him and tried to gain her composure.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Sananda. I should never have asked you about it." He held her face in his hands. She wiped herself over and over again and shook her head.
"I'm here now. You're not alone anymore." She stared at him like a child who really wanted to believe something.
He inched closer and said, "You're not alone." They looked straight at each other for what seemed like a good while; his eyes endearing and hers wary. He leaned in so that his breath fell upon her, and Sananda now felt that much known uneasiness in her. Tushar came nearer, with his lips just about to touch hers when she pushed him away.
"What happened?" he asked.
She was clearly disturbed. "What were you trying to do?"
"I just wanted to make you feel better. I wanted to comfort you."
"By kissing me!" she mocked with scorn.
"Well yes! I'm your husband; and it isn't such an unusual thing to do..." he defended. Sananda didn't have any answer to it, but she still retained the hurt expression on her face.
"What's wrong? You seem to be avoiding me all the time. I don't get it. You said yes to my proposal yourself. Don't you love me?" he asked again.
She looked at him confusedly. "I don't even know you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I don't know who you are as a person, Tushar. How can I love you?"
"What do you want to know?"
"I don't know. But it is not enough now. I get that you expect certain things from me as your wife" she lowered her gaze, "but I cannot do this right now. I'm not ready." He looked expressionless. Tears began to well up in her eyes once more, "Please don't force me. This marriage happened so fast; I need some time to get to terms with it. I'm really not comfortable getting...intimate, at this moment."
"Don't worry, I understand." he said kindly, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Please don't cry." Sananda nodded and gathered herself.
"You're too tired. Get some sleep now." He made her lie down and turned off the light. The weight seemed to have been lifted off of her shoulders and she closed her eyes with content.
