Unsure

Chapter ||3|| Mascara Smeared Eyes

After I finished changing to a clean pair of clothes, I head out of the locker room to go to the parking lot.
"Deborah. We need to talk." Oh shite
______________________________________________________________________________
God, it's been four years and his voice still has an affect on me. Even if it's not filled with love and adoration anymore, I still love it. Crazy, right? To love his voice after everything that happened, after everything I did. I quickly sent Fergal the message I had written. I'm not even sure if I wrote it correctly but I can't think of it right now.
"Can we talk? Please" Colby asks, I just nod and say "Sure, go ahead." I honestly don't have the energy to fight with him anymore, there's no point in arguing with him if he's not going to listen to me. "Look, I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier it was completely uncalled for. I shouldn't have talked to you like that." Wow, I can't believe he is apologizing, "It's alright, Colby. I get where you were coming from. I would've probably reacted the same way if our roles were reversed. Listen, Colby, I really am truly sorry. You did not deserve what I did to you, but I think you need to know the full story in order to understand why I stayed gone as well, and to know why it's been hard for me to move on." Colby just looks at me for a few seconds before nodding his head and saying, "Do you want to go somewhere else to, um talk?". "That'd be nice, but I don't know many places here, I'm still adjusting to the new place. Do you think we can head back to my place? It will also make it easier to explain what else I need to tell you." He just nods and says, "If you want, I'll just follow you in my car or something. I'll need you to text me the address", sounds alright, after we exchange numbers I texted him my address. We got in our cars and made our way to my place.
As we're walking up to my front door Colby says, "It's a nice house", I mumble a thanks as I step aside to let him in first. "Sorry for the mess", I say as I lead him to the kitchen passing by a few unpacked boxes, "I haven't finished unpacking", I chuckle a bit nervous. "It's alright", he says as he takes a seat at the kitchen table, I look at him a bit nervous so I ask, "You want something to drink?", "Yeah, please", he says. "Is water okay?", I ask and he says, "You still don't drink alcohol, Deb?" I look at him and nod while looking away from him as I hand him his drink. "Still the same old Deb", he says while chuckling a little bit. I just give him his drink, and sit down on the chair in front of him. "What is it that you needed to tell me?", He asks with a serious tone. I look at him for a few seconds before clearing my throat and saying, "I wanted to let you know what really happened... between Jon and I. I never meant to heart you, or anyone else. I was at a low point in my life, I was so scared and confused. I didn't know what I was doing half of the time. I was so lost in my own world. My thoughts were consuming me. My mind was a scary place. I truly hated myself, Colby. I was so sad, and that sadness sometimes turned to anger, and that anger always led back to the sadness. I was mad at myself because I always felt sad about everything, I knew I had my family, and I knew I had you... but somehow I still felt sad and lonely all the time. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. I ready to give up one day, but Jon found me when he was looking for you and my brother. He found me in the bath tub with a bottle of pills. He asked me how many I took, I had barely taken four when he walked in. He was so scared he forced me to vomit in the toilet, he cleaned up my blood, and the mess I made. God, I was apologizing for making a mess. He told me to shut up, that the only thing that matter was me, and getting me better. Colby, Jon and I had a messed up relationship. The both of us were all shades of fucked up. No matter our relationship and how will it developed we never did have sex. He was just there for me, as I was there for him. We told each other the crazy messed up things that were consuming us up. I never stopped loving you Colby. It's going to sound stupid but I loved the both of you. It was a different love, it wasn't as powerful and destructive as the love I had for you... God, Colby. I was scared of the way love made me feel. I wasn't use to having such intense feelings for anyone. I realized all late that the love I had for Jon was not the same. It wasn't as powerful, I didn't ache for it like I ached for you. Colby were my first and only. It's messed up, I probably shouldn't be telling you, but I've not been the same since you. It's insane and foolish to think that maybe one day there'd be hope for us. I messed up and I regret more then you'll ever know for reason you don't know about." Know how do I let him know the thing he needs to know the most. I can't believe I've hidden it from him for so long. He just looks at me with those pretty brown eyes deep in thought. Should I tell him right now? He has to know, I've already hidden it from him for years. Here goes everything, "Uh... Colby there's something else I need to tell you... I don't know how you're going to react to this. Well, maybe I do know, you're probably going to be pissed at me for keeping this from you. Again, I'm so sorry. It's stupid of me to have kept-", I get interrupted by Colby saying, "Deb, you're doing it. You keep rambling, like you do when you're nervous. Just say it already." Okay, here it goes, "I, well we have a son. He's four years old, and my God is he beautiful he's got your eyes, and your curly hair. He's just so beautiful", I tell Colby with a smile on my face. Just thinking about my little sunshine brings happiness to my life. I got better for my little boy. "We have a kid?", He ask quietly before raising his voice, "We have a kid together, and not once did you think about contacting me to let me know! He hasn't known his father his whole life! What the fuck were you thinking! You probably weren't. God, Deborah. This is just wrong on so many levels", Damn he's freaking livid. "You're right, Colby I wasn't thinking. All I knew is that you clearly wanted nothing to do with me and the month after I left I found out I was pregnant. I knew you were back with your ex and I didn't want to ruin things, I was scared to go back, and I regret it Colby. I regret not going back to you, not staying-", I was cut off by Colby. "Maybe if you would of stayed we would of gotten through it, and at least our son would know who his dad is...", then he asked a bit calm, "What's his name?" I look at him for a few seconds. "Sergio." I whisper as I get up to go get his one of the little photo album I have of him.

I give him the photo album as I sit back down. He just opens it and looks through the pictures. I feel so horrible for keeping this from him. I should've at least given him a call, but what would I have told him 'Hey, it's Deb. Remember that you told me not to contact you? Well that's gonna be a problem now, since I'm having your kid', yeah no. I don't think that would have gone well. Looking at his face, it makes me seriously regret not telling him, I can see his eyes are a bit glossy. He's halfway through the book. He's looking at the picture that Fergal's mom took of Sergie, Ferg, and I on his birthday. We celebrated with Fergal's family since he came from Japan for his birthday. Sergie was so happy that day, it was his first day at the beach and Fergal's mom helped me make food and she also helped me bake the cake. In the picture the three of us have cake on our faces since we had just been goofing around with each other, and we just have these huge cheesy smile looking at Sergie who is in the middle of us with icing on his face and his hands. I instantly feel worse as I see his face, he looks so sad and a bit empty.

Suddenly his phone rings and he just looks at the screen. He has this look on his face, but I can't describe it. "I'm sorry, I have to take this", he tells me. I point to bathroom just in case he needs to talk in private. I get a text from Fergal telling he's outside. Shit. Shit. Shit. I forgot I was supposed to have dinner with him to catch up. I walk to the door as I hear the doorbell. As I open the door Fergal gives me a concerned look and I look at him a bit confused. "Deb, are you okay?", he asks as I step aside to let him in and I just tell him, "Yeah, why?" He looks at me for a few seconds before saying, "You have some mascara smeared around your eyes. You've been crying, your eyes are puffy. What happened?" I look at myself in the mirror that's in the hallway. He's right, my eyes are puffy and a bit red from crying. I didn't even realize it. Gosh, I look horrible. "I'm sorry, I should have texted you. I got a bit occupied, and I forgot to let you know. Um, I was talking with Colby today", Fergal looks at me , almost asking me to continue. "I told him everything, Ferg", as soon as I finish saying that I hear Colby almost shout something like, "I don't care! Not everything is about you." I guess the phone call didn't go too well. He walks out and calls my name, and I tell him that I'm in the living room. As soon as he walks in he notices Fergal and his demeanor sort of changed, and I swear I heard mumble something like Oh great. "Colby, I am so sorry. I forgot I had made plans with Ferg earlier today", I say and Colby's face changes. "Oh, let me just leave already so you two can fuck already", he states angrily. "Colby you're not leaving", I say and then it's Fergal's turn to speak, "Then I'll go." I just look at like really, "Fergal, you're not leaving either." Before they both start to answer back I tell them, "The both of you sit your arse down." They just look at me surprised that I'm telling them to stay. I just look at them expectantly waiting for them to sit down. Surprisingly they do so and mutter a sarcastic-like okay then. "I'm sorry guys", I state as I slump down on the seat and rest my head in my hands letting out a frustrated groan. God, why am I making this so difficult.

"Deb, are you okay?", they both ask with a hint of concern laced in their voices. I look up and see them with a sad expression, "Yeah, I'm alright. Sorry, I was just thinking. Colby is everything alright? You seemed a little bit frustrated." I ask him. He looks down at his phone and then back up to me. "Do you need to be somewhere Colby?", "Um, Zara needs to talk to me, says it's important", he says looking down. "It's fine. We can talk later Colby." I say as I stand up to walk him out. Once we reach his Jeep he opens his mouth and asks about Serg, asking if he can meet him when he comes here, "Of course Colby, I'm pretty sure he'll like that, you're one of his favorite wrestlers. How funny is that? God, he's not going to forgive me for keeping this fr-", I was interrupted by him telling me to calm down, "It's alright, he won't be mad at you. I don't think anybody can ever stay mad at you"
"Easy for you to say, you're not the one who kept a huge secret hidden from him for all these years. Only thing is that he's always wanted to have a talk with Seth Rollins", I say to him, "He loves you, but he also loved the shield, buddy." I say chuckling a bit. "Alright, well, I'll see you later. Take care, Deb."