Absent

-2-

            Five years since she left, and I miss her as much as the first day.

My life hasn't stopped, though. I came to university in London to study illustration, graduated and even got a job. It's not much, but it's the beginning. I get to publish one of my works online, as weekly chapters. An online comic. It makes ends meet and makes me independent, so I don't care. At least I don't need my parent's money anymore.

During my four years in uni things were basically the same. No matter what, I don't really have the skills to make friends or interact with other people. It's always awkward and I feel too uncomfortable around them, so I limited my interactions to the minimum.

Now ghosts... ghosts are a different story.

Before Paige I closed the doors to both humans and ghosts alike because I wasn't even able to differentiate one from the other, so I just treated them all the same. After Paige I can tell them apart, not because they look different, but because they act differently.

People have each together, they talk, laugh and have life in their eyes. Ghosts are always alone, misery is written on their faces and when you look in their eyes you only see sorrow and desperation. It's such a heartbreaking sight and I don't know why I never noticed this before. I guess I never really paid attention to others until Paige, I never really looked someone in the eye.

Some humans do look like that, but it's still different. It's a fine line, and only after years I'm capable of seeing where this is drawn.

Paige was so different, though. I know better than anyone how much pain she carried with her, I felt it myself, yet she smiled brightly. She laughed loudly and bubbly. She joked and bounced around as if she was alive. She had more life in her ghost self than some people I've met since her.

In her memory, and I guess hoping to reach her somehow, I've opened the doors for humans and ghosts alike. People see me as a weirdo and after they realise I am very asocial, they leave me on my own, as I'm more comfortable like that. When ghosts realise I can see them and hear them, I bring a bit of life back to them. Some don't ask for much, just a little bit of help, just to find something, just to point someone in the right direction. Sometimes they just want to know how their loved ones are doing. Sometimes, they just want to say sorry. And I help them to achieve that.

"If you see this girl, tell her I still miss her," I say every time one of them crosses over being around me, showing them a drawing of Paige I always carry with me, just like a locket with a bit of her ashes and the pictures we got together.

Every ghost says the same when the Grim Reaper comes for them, once they have been touched.

"She knows... she's happy and waiting for you."

It's reassuring, it's warm, and it helps me to carry on.

A new stage in my life begins now, it's time to be an adult and make a living on my own. I only have Clyde now and I've practically severed all tights with my parents. Not that they mind, anyways.

It's lonely, but in a different way. Before I didn't know I was like this, I wasn't even aware of this feeling. Now I know I'm lonely, but I also know I just need one person for that to go away. As for now, I can't have her with me, but one day that'll change. I won't panic until then, I won't rush things.

I learnt many things with Paige, one is that everything has its due time, altering that has always a high price. So I will leave things to be and continue living day to day.

Paige isn't with me and I miss her, but she's still around somehow. I feel closer to her when I get home and Clyde comes to receive me, with little meow sounds and rubbing himself against my legs. Or when I work. I've specialised in ghost stories, using my own experience to create fantastic yet realistic stories. And Paige is always somehow in my work.

She's also always in my heart.

I haven't met another girl like her, I don't think there is. I don't think I'll ever love someone as I still love her. I don't think I need to meet someone, though. I never planned for that until I met her, and I only wanted that future if it was with Paige.

I'm okay as I am right now. Everyone needs something in their lives they don't have or can't get, that's how we human beings live, always craving for something else. In my life Paige is what is missing, she's all I really long for, but just like everyone else, I can still live without that.

"It's temporal," I tell myself every time my chest hurts so much because I miss her just too much, like for the anniversary of her departure. "I'll see her again."

And like that, I make it through the hard days. Everyone has those, they are inevitable, and we make it through. Whether we lie to ourselves, or we tell soothing words to calm down our hearts, or we get reassurance from a promise; we all make it through. If we don't give up and stop time for ourselves, the day will always be over. Even the toughest day has to end, it's just a matter of enduring it until that day is over.

I endure those days telling myself I'll see her again. That's all I need to take a deep breath and carry on, until the rough day is over.

I will never stop the time for myself, I made a promise, and I'll keep it until the end, because after all it's all true, I'll see her again.

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That's how the chapters will be, with jumps in time to see how James is doing. I hope you liked this chapter!

Dedication to EMILYYLUVZU_

Bel, xx
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~updates every Monday~