problems [calum hood fanfic]

{chapter two}

it hurt like this for quite some time. every time i thought of jacob i felt a burning in my throat. it's been 4 months. i can honestly say that the feeling of waking up doesn't make me want to vomit anymore, so i guess that's a good sign.

my parents scheduled a therapist for me once a week. i can seriously tell you therapists don't help shit, with anything. they just sit and stare at you like you are far less superior than them. the look in their eyes is the same look you might give to a child who spilled their ice cream cone. it's ridiculous.

but on the plus side, the one thing that's really improved is my acting skills. ive gotten much better at hiding what i truly feel. i can finally mutter the words "yes im okay, thank you" every time someone asks without my voice shaking.

i have basically given up on all things school related. my parents told me it's not good to not care about school, especially senior year. but without jacob, going to school feels wrong, being alive feels wrong somehow. ive never been depressed really. ive been stressed to the point of no return at times i can get in a sad state of mind but ive never been depressed. not until jacob died.

i can't think straight. hes everything i think about. and when im not thinking about jacob and internally crying, im talking to naomi. we both lost our best friend that day. although id been friends with him for 10 years and she transferred to our school freshman year, we were all really close in the end.

naomi has been my rock during this whole experience. i wouldn't have made it through all of it without her. she always keeps a positive state of mind even in the darkest times. always saying things like "he's in a better place now" and "jacob wouldn't want you to be sad."

i guess im just trying my hardest to feel happy again, even if it's fake. that friday in early september seems so far away. like a memory that isn't mine, like someone told it to me, i didn't actually experience it.

well i am trying not to get caught up in the past, it's not getting me anywhere. i joined the volleyball team at my school with naomi, we both agreed it'd be good to get exercise and our minds off of jacob.

but with picking up some good things, i picked up a bad habit as well.

what a joke. therapy sessions, more like let me talk about the same thing over and over while you sit there and watch me, giving me the same advice as you do every week. and you get payed for it.

i was going insane. talking about jacob isn't helping me get better. not at all. i need something else right now. and though i hate to admit it, i know exactly what i need.

the little bell jingles as i enter the closest 7/11 i could find. i had just fresh tear stains on my cheeks from therapy, god knows i can't help the tears when i think about jacob. i probably looked like a mess, but i needed some type of calmness, i needed to feel stress free, if even for a moment.

i walk up to the counter where i see the only worker here standing being the counter. in front of the things i desire. i pick up a lighter and set it on the counter in front of the boy. he looked to be my age, maybe a bit older. a few tattoos were scattered around his arms here and there. his jawline looked to be sculpted by the gods themselves and his curly brown hair looked so soft i almost ran my hands through it.

refraining, i spoke softly, i've never asked for cigarettes before, i didn't know how to approach the question.

"can i um, have a pack of cigarettes?" i questioned, almost hitting myself for how awkward i sounded.

"will that be all?" the boy had an accent, i couldn't quite place it but it wasn't american. his voice was deep but it sounded raw, like he'd been crying for days. in fact, his face looked miserable. i didn't know what was going on in his life, but i know misery when i see it.

"yes please" i spoke softly. he nodded and scanned the lighter and cigarettes.

"do you need a bag?" his raw voice spoke again.

"no thank you, i got it" i smiled shyly at the boy. his brown eyes looked into mine and i could see the absolute despair in his eyes. it made me want to hug him. it also made me wonder, maybe he could see the despair, the loss in my eyes as well.

he handed me the pack of cigarettes and the lighter, a smile barely tugging at his lips as he muttered "have a nice night" his voice cracked and my heart almost broke hearing it. i don't know what happened, but it sure wasn't good. maybe his girlfriend cheated on him, maybe his grandma died. i just don't know, but something inside of me wanted to. i pushed it out and walked out of the doors, the bell signaling my exit.

i sat on the bench right outside of that 7/11 and opened up my first pack of cigarettes. i took one out of the box and lit it. i have to admit, i was scared. i didn't what would happen. but i then remembered why i bought them in the first place and my heart burned. i wanted to do this.

i brought the cigarette up to my lips and i inhaled slowly. i took it away from my mouth and drew out a long string of smoke, along with several coughs. this stuff looked so much cooler and easier in the movies. i tried again, this time my coughing a little less. soon i started feeling a little less stressed, a little less sad. i smoked until the cigarette was practically gone, and i stepped on it with my shoe, into the minnesota snow.

i stood up and walked to my car, as i was just getting in, i saw the cashier boy walk out of the 7/11. tears were falling from his face. i wanted to know what was wrong but i wasn't going to be intrusive. but i watched him. he looked over at my car and i realized i'd been caught. i opened up my phone, pretending to be occupied with nothing while i let him cry in peace. i heard him start his car and drive out of the parking lot. soon after i followed. we went two different ways.

i just tried my first cigarette, my first of many. and i only felt a little guilty.

im not proud that i smoke, and it's not like i do it often, it's just something i picked up to take the edge off when its get too much to bear. i usually stop by 7/11 after my therapy session because all they do is stresses me out.

well anyways, it's a new year, 2015. who knows what will happen. im trying, really trying to get better. its not as easy as it may seem.

A/N- hey guys, my first two chapters have been pretty short they will get longer i swear. so calum was kind of introduced in this chapter..a little. ya know how it is. i don't want to rush into the book like a lot of people do.

im totally winging the plot right now but i have an idea for chapter 3 that im excited about.

so by the way, if you guys see any grammar or spelling mistakes, don't be afraid to let me know in the comments. I mean I'm only human so im gonna make some grammatically incorrect statements and im gonna spell words wrong sometimes. But point them out so I know and grow and learn from mistakes ya know what I'm saying. but don't be annoying with it.

so yeah the third chapter will be up probably tomorrow because im excited to write it i have a good idea and I never have good ideas so hopefully I don't lose it.

peace out,
all the love,
kylee💙