Beanca Bella

B.I.T.C.H. # 2

"What? Are you talking about?"

Napabangon ako matapos kong marinig ang sinabi ni Lala sa akin. We were naked under the sheets and she just told me something that changed my life and everything about it!

"I told you, already. Beanca, pakakasalan ko si Mateo and this, what we are doing now, has to stop."

Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. I was just looking at her. Lala is a very attractive woman and that was the reason why I fell for her. I could see myself with her, mahal ko talaga siya. Nakikita ko ang future naming dalawa na magkasama. We will get old. If we're ready we're going to adopt a kid or kids. We'll have a house together, a dog and a cat and then we'll spent every Christmas with our kids. I'll be the best partner and a mother to our kids pero bigla ay napalitan ang pangarap kong iyon ng images ni Mateo at ni Lala. Suddenly si Mateo ang kasama ni Lala sa lahat.

Hindi ito pwede.

"Why are you doing this to me? Don't you love me?!" I yelled at her.

"I do! I love you but I'll never be happy with you, Beanca. Iyong meron tayo, panandalian lang ito. I had always dream of having a family. A kid, a husband. I want a normal life. I wanna get married inside a church with my parents and my siblings. And, truthfully speaking B, no matter how much you love me, you can never give that to me because in the first place, you're a woman - a very beautiful woman and you being a woman will never make me happy."

Nasasaktan ako. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Tahimik akong lumuha sa tabi niya. So all of these, her gestures, her thoughtfulness earlier, lahat pala iyon ay may ibig sabihin. She's breaking up with me. And the sex we had, it's the break up sex she had been talking about these past few days.

I didn't see that coming.

"Beanca, I'm sorry." She said. "Kung naging tunay kang lalaki, I would have chosen you, but I want a life with kids and a happy family. I'm so sorry." Niyakap niya ako.

"Pwede naman na tayo kahit kasal na kayo." Nang umiling siya ay tuluyan nang gumuho ang mundo ko. "I promised Mateo that I'll end things with you tonight."

Tuluyan na akong napaiyak. Pilit ko namang pinakakalma ang sarili ko. Tiningnan ko siya. Nagagalit ako.

"Leave..." I told her.

"B..."

"Putang ina mo! Umalis ka na!" Sigaw ko habang iyak nang iyak. Buong pagmamadali na nagbihis si Lala at iniwan nga ako. Ni hindi niya ako nilingon. Nang marinig kong sumara ang pintuan ay saka ako tumayo para sana sundan siya pero nagbago ang isip ko. Hindi ko siya dapat habulin dahil alam kong lahat ng sinabi niya sa akin ay tama.

I will never ever give her the life she wants. Mahal ko siya pero hindi iyon sapat. Hindi ako magiging sapat kahit kailan.

Dumiretso ako sa kusina. Hindi na ako nagbihis. I was only wearing my white lacey bra and undies. Kinuha ko ang chocolate ice cream na galing sa kuya ni Macario at saka umupo sa sahig habang nilalantakan iyon. Kasabay ng bawat subo ko sa ice cream na iyon ay ang pagtulo naman ng luha ko.

Napakasakit. Ilang beses na bang nangyayari sa akin ang ganito? I couldn't even count the times I got my heart broken because the women I give my everything to ends up choosing a man over me.

I can't...

I just can't.

Sinubukan ko namang magpakababae. I tried. I dated men, but I never got excited about it. I had boyfriends, but we never end in bed. But then, I remembered Andong - the man I met at the sex party two years ago kung saan ko rin nakilala si Lala. He was a lean guy with a long hair and a pair of circle glasses. We had drinks and we exchanged numbers. Maayos siyang kausap, enjoy siyang kasama kaya siguro nalibang ako noong gabing iyon...