A Short Note To Hiddles (a Tom Hiddleston fan fiction)

Chapter 3

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I tore a piece of paper out of my notebook and grabbed my favorite blue pen from my drawer.

If I was going to do this, I had to tell him that he kept me living this long and that I owed him my life, or what was left of it anyways. 

Tom,

My name is inconsequential because I'm not really important, but in case you're dying to know, it's Nicole. I'm aware that the chances of this letter getting into your hands is very slim, but on the off chance you read this, there are some things I'd like you to know about me.

I've been telling myself I know why I'm writing this, that I have to go through with this, but I don't understand it myself. I have to go through with this. I have to.

I know you won't agree with this, and that I'm just going to disappoint another person in my life, so I need to justify this.

My first memory was being beaten by my father. Since then, I've known darkness. I've been walking a path with no end and I guess it's only reasonable to end it myself.

I'm not being selfish, that would require someone to care about me; for someone to miss me.

I don't think anyone in my school could probably tell you my name.

So I'm here to apologize, not for what I'm going to do, but for living. Because, my existence consists of me wasting precious air and food that could be used for someone else who actually has a future.

I don't see a future for me because there is none. I have been wondering my whole life where it is that I will end up and I've never known. Most kids know they want to be a teacher, or police officer, or even an astronaut. I never understood why I didn't know what I wanted to be. Until now, that is. I never knew because there was no future for me. I get it now and it makes so much sense.

I'm pathetic and for the sake of every living being in this world I need to get rid of myself. I'm not good for anyone or anything.

I was a mistake since the beginning. I kept my mother from completing her education and my father can't support us because I'm too much to handle.

You must be wondering why I burdened you with this letter. Well you see, I have to thank you for being the only reason I'm alive today. For the longest time, you were the only source of my happiness. Just looking at you on the telly gave me hope that someday, I could be as great as you. But I have to face the truth. My life won't get better and I should have realized this sooner.

Well to get to the point, I just wanted to say good-bye to the man that helped me through my hardest moments. Again, I'm know I'm a disappointment to you and I'm sorry. But you don't have to worry about that. I'll be gone soon anyway.

I'm taking this week to make peace with this world, this city I call home, and then I'm gone for good.

Now I'll be selfish. I mean, why the hell not, it doesn't matter anyways.

I've always wanted to fly so I'm giving it a shot. I guess jumping of a building isn't the worst way to go. It'll be an exhilarating last moment.

I might even show up in the Sunday paper, as if the most important thing I did in my life was jump off the roof of Stone Hill Secondary School.

At eight at night, next week, I'll become a part of the forgotten. I've decided that its my place, my true home.

I want to die and I've only just now mustered up the courage to do so. I'm proud of myself for once.

Being the man you are, you may attempt to stop me.

Please don't.

I'm simply not worth it.

If this letter caused you distress, I'm sorry. It's the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to let you know that you have made my life a little less of a hell than it would have been without you.

~Nicole

I neatly folded the letter and stuffed it in an envelope. I had it mailed instantly, giving me no time to regret sending it.

I didn't have the right to let him know if my existence, but I was selfish. Just another one of my many flaws.