When I first saw you, your name was etched into my brain like a sharpie on a white board
No matter how much I scrubbed and scrubbed and tried to erase that mistake of you..
I couldn't.
You wouldn't go away and I began to get use to the thought of your unmistakable presence.
Butterflies hatched from the cocoons that they have been hiding in for years
and wasted no time spreading those big wings filling up all the space inside my stomach
I counted the number of times I felt this way and in no way has there ever been one.
My heart completely changed its beat and began to beat to this new genre of music called...you
I see you looking at me...no.... through me like i'm transparent, like im glass
That smile I fell in love with was not made because of me but some other matter in the room
Im nothing.
The candles in my heart were blown out when I turned and saw what your attention was on
And you began to slip away and I felt your absence
And those colorful wings turned dull and gray and they broke
And all that full space turned to emptiness
I counted the number of times I felt this way and in all ways too many.
My heart began to beat to the sound of silence
And I tried to make sense of that muted sound only forgetting...
He doesn't love me
My broken heart is a language that I know too well
I feel like Leah when Sam imprinted on Emily
And you imprinted the pain into my heart
Imprinted the small but dramatic memories into my brain
Imprinted you into me
But I am something.
I am your best friend, your diary, and your go to person when the world seems to drag you through the mud
I am your best friend who acts so calm when she is the headline of every story
I am your best friend who left the image of you kissing her in the tear stained pillow on my tear stained bed
I am your best friend who when you call I try to ignore the sensation of the butterflies trying to fly with broken wings only to fail over and over and over again
And now, looking back at your name
Still etched in the very same spots as months ago
I can still hear the sound of my heart breaking
Lingering in my mind's echo
Never escaping, only masking the pain
With this guy and that guy and this guy and that guy
Trying to forget you, but they fade leaving you in the spotlight
My love for you is fine wine
And I get drunk everyday.
And my drunkenness is met by
Am I not good enough?
Why doesn't he love me?
Maybe I'm not pretty enough.
Smart enough.
Her enough.
And my soberness is met by
He doesn't love me
Feelings of gravity holding my heart down relentlessly
The pain of my heart fighting my brain
To tell my body to drink a little more.
To revive those dead butterflies
To feed myself false hope
Hope that one day...someday
You'll love me.
And your name remains etched onto the whiteboard
In the same spot as months ago
Never fading away.
