Chasing Summer

Falling Away With You

Day after day passed in a world turning black. I often dreamt of Eren walking in front of me in a dense forest, beautiful and belonging, breathing in the damp air without any help from his oxygen tank. He glided through the underbrush without any trouble at all, leaving me behind to chase after him. He seemed unaware of this, too absorbed in his surroundings to look back and see that I was falling behind. Although I tried to catch up to him, my efforts proved futile. I was left alone to watch his back recede into nothingness. I cried out for him to come back, my voice loud in the growing silence, but he was already gone.

(x)

Another day was met with Eren refusing to eat. These days, he didn't even bother feigning interest in whatever was made for him. He simply let the food sit untouched on the dining table until Grisha gave up and wheeled him back into the safety of his room. All he wanted was to be left alone, to sleep away the long hours of the day, or to draw out his madness on the back patio. No poems flowed from his mouth to comfort me. There were no more beautiful words that could distract him from the disease that had distorted his outlook on the world. All he saw now was the inevitable end that loomed before him.

After I ate breakfast with Grisha in awkward silence—he had cooked poached eggs, of all things—I made my way into Eren's room. He was nothing more than a curled up lump under his beige comforter. I walked up to the side of the bed and looked down at the top of his head, which was the only thing visible. I wanted to be with him, but even though he was right here in front of me, it felt like he was a million miles away. I couldn't reach him when he locked himself away in the dark recesses of his mind, no matter how hard I tried to.

Carefully, I pulled back the comforter and crawled into bed with him. I wrapped his arm around my waist and thrust my head under his chin as I pulled our bodies together. Eren grunted, but didn't say anything in disapproval, so I stayed like that. I could feel his ribs through his T-shirt, but just beyond that, I could feel his heart beating—my hope in rhythmic thumps.

I'm right here, Eren.

"'She followed slowly,'" I began, closing my eyes to remember the poem correctly, "'as though there were some obstacle in the way; and yet: as though, once it was overcome, she would be beyond all walking, and would fly.'" I opened my eyes to see that Eren was looking at me, really looking at me. There were deep, bruise-like circles under his eyes that stood out against his pale complexion. I ran my thumb over them, wanting to erase the marred skin with that simple touch.

"Explain why you quoted that part." His voice was rough from disuse, but I loved it nonetheless. I had missed the sound of it.

"I feel like that explains my situation," I said. "I am following you, but I will be left behind. You'll leave this Earth before me, but in the end, I will catch up. It will just take me a while."

He cupped my face, fingers cold and dry against my skin. For a long stretch of time, he didn't say anything. Then, in a voice that sounded nothing like his own, he whispered, "I'm so tired, Levi."

"I know."

"I don't want to think about it anymore. It feels like I'm just waiting for the end now. I..." He swallowed. "It's almost impossible to live this way."

I moved closer to him. "Tell me what I can do to help. I'll do anything."

"Take me away from here. This room, this house, it feels tainted somehow, like it has heard all my sorrow and is harboring it for later use. God, I don't want to be here. I want to go to our home, the one that we created for ourselves. Take me there." He pressed his lips to mine. His breath tasted of medicine. "Please."