Chasing Summer

Our Song of Despair

Whenever I looked at Eren, I ached with the weight of my hope. I wanted to do the impossible for him, to bend time and space. Although I didn't have the means to change the outcome of his future, I could help him accomplish the things that he wanted to do in the present. That would be my gift to him, until the very end.

So, sex in a public space. When I'd pointed it out to him in the back of the truck, the words a slanted memory of want on a wrinkled piece of paper, I thought it would be easy to do, something that would play out exactly as it had in my head. But when was reality anything like your daydreams? Reality was doing things in the moment, unplanned and awkward. It was Eren smiling as he led me into a dark room somewhere in the motel inn we were staying in. It was the unsteady pound of my heart, and being lost with wanting—always wanting.

"If we get caught," Eren started, grabbing hold of my hips and shoving me hard against the wall, "I'm not stopping."

I swallowed, and my voice sounded hoarse as I told him, "Who said you were topping?"

The smile that spread across his face made my knees go weak. "You want to top? Then take control."

Goddamnit. He was going to be the death of me.

When it came to physical strength, I had him beat. I could easily toss him over my shoulder and make him eat his words, but he was the one person that I would gladly let take control of me. Then again, his skin was hot against my palm, enticing and far too tempting to pass up. I switched our positions with ease, yearning for this moment to unfold, but he put his hand on my chest, keeping me at bay.

"Tell me about your fantasies," he whispered into my ear. There was enough streetlight filtering in through a dirty window to the right of us that I was able to see his fingers, which were undoing the button of his jeans. The light, dull and cloudy, gave them a hazy effect in the dark room. "I want to make them real."

I made eye contact with him. Fantasies were nothing in comparison to being here with him. "None of that stuff matters. This"—I put my middle and forefinger to his lips—"is real, and that's better than any fantasy I could ever have."

"Then tell me about the fantasies you've had about me." His hand dipped under the band of his boxers and his eyes pinched shut. "Or are you going to make me guess?"

For a long moment, I couldn't find the words to tell him that what he was doing right now was perfect. I could stand there and watch him for the rest of the night. I was intoxicated with the slow and unpredictable emotion flowing through my veins. And as he caught sight of my expression, a knowing look crossed his face. With Eren, it was best to expect the unexpected, but I was still caught off guard when he shoved me hard enough to make me stumble back a few steps.

When I regained my footing, he asked, "Do you like watching me touch myself?" He tilted his head back against the wall, mouth falling open on a heavy breath as he began to stroke himself, hand giving a slow turn just beneath the tip.

"Do you even have to ask?" I gestured to the very evident bulge in my pants. My insides twisted fiercely when his tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, eyes devouring me where I stood. I desperately wanted to touch him. Up until now, I'd always been so careful, treating him like he was something fragile, breakable, but in this moment, I wanted to cross that invisible line that I'd set up for myself.

He looked up at me through half-closed eyes. "I want to hear you say it."

It amazed me how he could be so blunt, even in this type of situation. I envied him for being able to hold nothing back. Even though he knew me better than anyone else, I was still hesitant to show him some parts of me, because I'd kept them hidden for so long. But I realized, as his eyes met mine, that he was entrusting me with this side of him, so I decided to do the same.