Jack YOU are so fucking stupid you make me want to write my feelings down on paper bc it's the only way I listen to them, they are in my head, on my brain, prying into the flesh like hungry dogs. Not knowing rather to trust them or not, blowing them back like leaves attacked by a leaf blower. I don't mind them, they have taken over me
The feeling I get in my stomach every single time I hear your name, every single time you kiss me, THE Feeling is there, and I ignore it , bc its not real the feeling I get , its an illusion a state of mind. I desperately ache to understand my self, and I want to know what it feels like to just let go, but I can't bc I'm falling off a ledge and the only thing keeping me here is you, I'm slipping but yet your hand is holding mine and I can't let go. You might say "alex you are being stupid" but I'm not you are for making me fall in love with you.
I'm in a constant battle with my mind , my feelings, and myself .
I want to be able to know what its like, not to just think, but to know. Because damn, everything reminds me of you , I can't seem to escape , I'm trapped behind bars , people screaming at me, to just be honest with myself , but I can't IM walking on thin fragile ice, it could break any moment , and I could be tumbling down into a dark abyss of ice water. Im standing in front of a train and I can't seem to move, and the wind is in my hair blowing it into my face , my eyes are shut.
coming to the conclusion that I may be IN love , is like standing on a train track, it's like falling off an edge , its like being in a small box, bc I'm scared. Scared of what you will say, and scared of what I will think, its scary, not like haunted house scary, bc you know that's not real, this is real, this is like surgery scary, when you are about to have a major surgery , or fucking up a line on stage in front of millions of people. but that doesn't scare me as much as loving you. So I push it all back, I shove and I plead until its gone , but only for a little while , until its coming back digging into my Brain, I'm scared , BUT no matter WHAT I do, i know one thing you are always fucking here, and its hard for me to shut it out. you are so special AND all I want is for you to be happy.
and I'm happy so when someone asks me "are you in love" I'll lock up the dogs and shake my head , but I'll start to fall and you will lift me up , and the dogs have escaped, and maybe just maybe they know what's best.. and maybe just maybe, I am in love with you jack.
