To this day, I still think of the day that I took the paint brush between my teeth and trailed it along my knees, colors of blue, and purple, painted my skin and your eyes lit up, and you shook your head, telling me to stop making a mess, but you let me keep doing it, I suppose you felt bad. felt bad that I was the way I am. I was an artist, or so I thought. The truth was, I wanted nothing more then to be able to paint, to be able to draw, I wanted nothing more then to paint the beautiful sun, or the grass or the ocean. I wanted nothing more then to paint you. I couldn't though, and that made me sad, I wanted to paint and I wanted to draw but I was sat on the back porch patio with you starring at me. You came to me and brushed my hair out of my eyes. You then put your cheek near my mouth at the edge of the paintbrush, I told you so many times how I wished to paint you, and even though this wasn't what I had in mind, I finally got to paint you.
It wasn't easy having no arms, It was probably easier than having no legs though, or no eyes, or nose. So I was quite thankful that it was only my arms that I didn't have. We were trying to get approved for prosthetic ones, but it can take a while, maybe even years.
To this day I remember the time we were sitting by the fireplace, you were giving me sips of your hot chocolate. It was summer but we kept the house super cold just so we could have nights like this, so we could have memories like this. No one was really talking. It was quiet, but you looked at me and you brushed my hair out of my eyes and you smiled and said "There is something you do have that a lot of people don't" and I looked into your eyes and swallowed mumbling out a quiet "hum?" and you just chucked and kissed me, You kissed me. That was our first kiss, it wasn't my first kiss, I had that when I was about Twelve, we were 18 now, It wasn't yours either, you told me about all the people you kissed. It was our first kiss, and it felt amazing. Our lips fit like a puzzle you grabbed my little stumps for arms and you kind of just held them, and when we were finished kissing you kissed my cheek and said "you have the most beautiful smile." Let me tell you that made me really happy, because my teeth aren't the whitest or the straightest and I always thought I looked like a creep when I smiled but then you come along and change my whole perspective of things. To this day, I love my smile.
There was a time we would always go to the local super market and you would always tell me to pick out any candy I wanted. I always got sour gummy worms, I hated sour gummy worms, but I knew just how much you liked them. You would always grab them for me and throw them in the buggy. People stared at us, well when I mean us I mostly meant me, they were only looking at you because they probably wondered why you were with me. They probably wondered if it was your job to take care of the pathetic boy without arms. You would pretend to not notice them, but I know you heard the snickers and the little kids asking their parents why I had no arms. I would always smile and go back to the car sad. Today this day I still wonder why you put up with it.
Swimming was fun, I couldn't swim, but you could and sometimes you put me on a float and spin it around in the water and sometimes you would push me in, and wrap your arms around me. I like when we slow dance in the water; you would always sing to me. One night it got super late and we both laid on this float together, me laying on top of you, my head resting on top of your chest while I listened to your heartbeat and the distant sound of crickets. We watched the stars, you know how much I love the stars. You would play with my hair and sometimes you would lean over and kiss my cheek and I would smile and you would smile and life was okay. To this day I can still hear your heartbeat.
There was some bad times like how you would come home from work tired and grumpy, and the times you called me annoying. The time you left and went to your friends house while I sat on the kitchen floor crying. You would always come back, You would always come back and pick me up and hold me kissing my head until I have stopped crying. To this day I still think of how safe I felt in your arms.
One of my favorite memories has to be the first time we made love. We weren't doing anything romantic, we were baking cookies, well you were baking cookies and I sat at the counter making fun or you. You started throwing flour on me and It wasn't fair because I wasn't able to pour flour on you back, so you scrunched up your nose and dumped the whole thing of flour over yourself. I walked over to you and we started kissing and well, that's how it happened. I rode you and your arms held me tightly in place because I couldn't hold onto you. My head was buried into you neck and yours was buried into mine you would help me up slowly and then lift me back down , it was soft and gentle and I cried. After it happened you kissed all over my face and told me you loved me and I told you I loved you too and we spent the rest of the night looking into each others eyes until we fell asleep. To this day that memory will always be my favorite.
The worst memory I have I really don't want to talk about. You were flying home to see your mom, and I wasn't going because I got really sick on planes, and you told me that you weren't going to be gone long so I was to stay with Rian for the next week. You lied to me. You never came back. I cant believe you lied to me. When Rian told me what had happened I yelled and I screamed, I kicked the wall and sunk to the floor, screaming at Rian and when he came over to comfort me I kicked him. I have never cried this much in my life and I couldn't fucking wipe my tears because I didn't have any arms and you use to always do that for me. Who's going to cuddle me now , and who's going to kiss my cheek, and make love to me, who's going to to tell me they love my smile, and that they don't care that I have no arms, who is going to sit by the fire with me and who is going to lay in the pool with me watching the stars. I don't want anyone else but you alex,I don't want anyone else, I only want you. I slept on the floor that night. Rian insisted I go to bed but I wasn't moving, I wanted you there to pick me up and I wanted you there just one last time to I could thank you for always being there for me, and for loving me, because damn You loved me so much alex. Rian gave me a blanket, I pushed it aside because it wasn't your arms it would never be your arms Alex
Going to your funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. The casket was open and your beautiful face was burnt, and bruised and you were broken alex, and I was broken and you aren't here to un break me goddammit. They tried their best to cover the scars up with makeup, kind of like we use to do when we would fall off your skate board and scrape our knees. Not wanting our mothers to find out. We would dig into my sisters make up and cover them up. You were still beautiful alex and I couldn't touch you, if there was a time in my life that I wished I had arms it would be now, so I could touch you, so I could lean down and stroke your cheek, so I could hold your hand. Rian helped me balance over the casket and I gave you one last peck my tears staining your make up covered cheeks. I rose back up and I broke down leaning against your casket I started crying more than I ever did in my life. I banged my head against it cursing god for taking you, and cursing myself for not going with you in that stupid plane. "I miss you already lex, I wish I was with you" I said shakily. You were only suppose to be gone for a week, but now you are gone forever and I somehow wish I was with you" I told you. I remember the funeral itself was awful, I spent the entire time with my head low and my eyes filled with water. I couldn't even wipe my eyes. To this day that was the saddest thing we went through.
Its been five years, and I miss you more and more every day, I wish you were here, I wish you were here so you could see how I was typing this, With my hands alex. I have hands! Its very weird and rubbery like, and sometimes I cant get them to work, but after years of us trying Alex, I finally got them. I wish you were here you would be so proud of me, I wont lie, I miss you feeding me and I miss you giving me sips of your hot chocolate. My friend sits by the fire with me, and its not really the same, I think he likes me , and I may like him too. I know you are okay with that. You want me to be happy, but I'm sorry to say I am only my happiest when I'm with you. To this day I miss you Alex, and to this day I am still in love with you.
