Subtle

Day After

Every morning I get up, turn my usual pot of vanilla coffee on, shower, spray some sort of deodorant on, and then grab a lollipop. Sure, they're unhealthy, but it's a habit.

That next day at school, Jungkook was awkward and tried to avoid me.

Doesn't he know we're dating? Does he regret it? Did I freak him out?

I felt sick to my stomach as I approached him at lunch.

Can you believe it? Me, Kim Taehyung is nervous. It's ridiculous if you ask me. This boy got me dead.

"Jungkook! How is my adorable boyfriend this morning?"

I slide my arm over his shoulders and grabbed his hand. He sort of-- shrivled up and tried to hide himself.

Is he ashamed of me? Do I make him awkward? Am I the problem?

"I'll drive you home today. Don't worry about catching the bus, okay?"

He nodded slightly, face bright red.

So I am the problem...

"Jungkook~ why aren't you talking to me~!"

He shrugged and shoved another sushi roll in his mouth. I simply pouted and pulled myself away from him.

"N--no, Tae, I l..."

"You..?"

"I liked that. I'm just... Awkward."

I instantly set myself back where I was and fed him a sushi roll.

"You are so cute, I swear I could just pinch your cheeks!"

"Don't-- uh, please do not do that."

"Too late!!"

I gave him my biggest smile and pinched his food-filled cheek.

"Tae..."

He pouted and I almost fainted.

"Cute!"

Lunch ended, and the rest of my day was boring. I had to transfer out of his English class since I already passed it last year.

After last class, I ran through the halls and stopped at his locker.

"Jungkook~ I'm driving you home! Do you still want that?"

He smiled shyly and looked at the floor. If I haven't stressed it enough, I am so, so, SO into this boy.

The drive home was quiet and there was a sort of tension in the air.

"Jungkooooook!"

"Oh, um, yes?"

"Am I a problem?"

"Pardon?"

"Do you regret dating me? Do you hate this?"

He turned his head to face the window.

"No... It's just-- I've never dated a guy before, let alone anyone."

"Oh. If you're sure..."

He slowly grabbed my hand and set it on his lap.

"I'm sure."

He smiled big at me.

"That was smooth for someone who has never dated before."

He blushed red.

"I saw it on a drama..."

"Oh my god, you're adorable."

In all honesty, I don't know why I'm recounting every single detail in this way.

I could be straight forward.

If you even listen to these voicemails, you're probably rolling your eyes yelling at me to get to the point, right?

Well, I will. First and foremost, I want you to know why I'm telling you this.

Jungkook wasn't my first love, but he was my last. Yeah, yeah, roll your eyes again. I was fucking terrible, I won't lie, but hear me out!

I really did love him, but I had... Prior commitments, I guess. I had gotten involved in things and people I probably shouldn't have. My life began to fall to pieces and he was glue.

I didn't realise my own self destruction at first. The more time I spent with him, the more he seemed to shy away.

That was when I noticed.

Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose, I think?

Fuck, dude... I don't know! My brain has been so twisted and confused and nothing seems real but every day drags on and I have to live with what I've done.

I hate it.

I hate me.

I hate him, too.

I love him, too.

"Rain, isn't always sad. I personally love the rain. Tae! Do you like the rain? We should go pl--"

"Jungkook, if you don't shut your god damn mouth and let me work I won't hesitate to GET YOU THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!"

"Tae, I... Sorry..."

He shut the door.

He accepted my shitty behavior and shut the door.

He left me. That's what I hate. He left me in that state. I would have too, but if he did really love me, shouldn't he have tried to help me!?

Why am I trying to shift blame!?

God, I could use a drink...

No, Taehyung. Stay strong. It ruined you before, never again.

I... I have to go. This is going on waaaaay too long and I'm rambling. I'm not sure I'm making sense at this point...

Good bye and, thank you.