Thirty Days (A Birdflash Fanfiction)

Day 28: Doing Something Ridiculous

Batman surveyed the carnage from his vantage point-the highest rooftop in the area-and decided Bruce was psychic. He'd travelled overseas for a very important mission literally the day before this nonsense had started, and was supremely unhelpful every time Dick called him for advice on how to deal with... this.

"I needed a longer honeymoon," he muttered, watching the red and gold blur of his husband fending off the human-shaped blobs of sentient food that some asshole magician had created a few hours ago.

"I second that." The Flash slowed down for a second, just long enough for Batman to get a good view of his tightened mouth, the only indicator of his obvious emotional distress. "Betrayed by food. What the hell?"

"Sounds like something an evil psychoanalyst would cook up to torture you," Batman replied. "I should probably check the Scarecrow's still in Arkham."

"Or you could get down here and help me for God's sake."

"I'm planning."

The Flash mowed down a blob of ice cream. "I am not cleaning all this up once it starts getting fragrant."

"I'll sweet-talk Zatanna for you." Batman needed to coordinate with her anyway. "Zatanna, you busy?"

Zatanna's voice crackled a little through the communicator. "Not really. Trying to hunt down the cause of all this. Need a hand?"

"The Flash is getting emotional," Batman replied. "Have you found a way to neutralise the magician's spell?"

"Yep. Coming your way."

"Thanks. We'll help you deal with the magician. Got any plans on how to clean all this up?"

"I'm working on it." Zatanna burst onto the street below. "Doof emoceb etaminani." All the food in the area lost its human shape and collapsed on the ground.

Batman shot a grapple line and joined the Flash and Zatanna on the ruined street, side-stepping squashed piles of gross on the way.

"I wanna go back to the beach," the Flash groaned. "This is the worst."

"You got sunburnt," Batman reminded him. "You complained about it every day."

"And then you rubbed lotion on me." The Flash's eyebrows were invisible beneath his cowl, but Batman could almost feel them waggling.

Batman sighed. "Now's not the time. Let's catch this guy first. Which way, Zee?"

Zatanna very charitably pretended that part of the conversation never happened. "Follow me. If you've got a strong stomach."

They found the magician holed up in an ice cream shop. Zatanna neutralised his ice cream guards with little effort and the Flash kicked the magician in the face. The guy went down immediately. Batman didn't even need to be there, to be perfectly honest.

Zatanna prodded the unconscious magician with her boot. "Psh. Amateur."

A flurry of voices exploded in the communicator in Batman's ear.

"Is it over?"

"That was... anticlimactic."

"I'm never eating tacos again."

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

Zatanna grabbed a crystal charm off the magician's belt. "Ah. Of course. The guy wasn't powerful enough by himself. Remind me to tell Madame Xanadu to screen her customers more carefully. On the upside, I can use this to make cleaning up a breeze. Did you want any samples to analyse?"

"I think we can safely chalk this one down to magical weirdness," Batman replied. "So no. I'll deal with the boss if he complains." Bruce hadn't responded to his messages, so it was his own damn fault.

"All right." Zatanna raised the crystal. "Evomer lla secart fo eht ylremrof tneitnes doof."

The melting ice cream on the floor vanished.

"This is officially the most ridiculous mission we've had all year," said the Flash. "Can we go now?"

"I need speedsters to repair as much property damage as they can first," Batman replied. "Go find your cousin. I'll meet you back at the Watchtower."

The Flash groaned but obeyed.

"I'll give them a hand," Zatanna replied, stepping out onto the street.

"Hey, Zee?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for your help today."

"Anytime."

***

The debrief back at the Watchtower didn't take long. No one felt like dwelling on the events of the day.

Batman linked his arm through the Flash's as everyone dispersed. "So, feel like grabbing some ice cream?"

The Flash groaned. "No. I'm swearing off ice cream forever. And you're an asshole."

Batman laughed, which earned him a few surprised looks. Everyone knew who was under the cowl, but it was still jarring to hear.

"How about tacos?"

"No."

"Or-"

"Nothing we saw today," the Flash replied tiredly. Batman patted his arm, and gently steered him in the direction of the zeta tube.

"Okay. Wanna take a zeta to France? I think frog legs and snails should be pretty safe."

"Let's do it."

"I was joking."

"I know."

Batman programmed the zeta tube to take them home. "All right, then. Let's find something nice to wear."

"Let's just take a second honeymoon in France." The Flash stepped into the tube and disappeared. Batman followed and jumped on the Flash's back to run to their shared apartment.

"Tempting," Batman said, "but Bruce and Damian will definitely team up and kidnap me. Tim and Barbara won't help. Jason and Steph will probably laugh."

The Flash skidded to a halt by the fire escape and Batman shot a line to the roof. He held on while Batman pulled them both up.

"What would Cass do?" the Flash asked.

Batman popped open a hatch he'd secretly installed when he started spending more than a few nights here. "She'll probably laugh. She and Steph are joined at the hip these days." They slipped inside, landing in the bedroom and started removing their costumes.

Wally, of course, finished changing first. "Okay, no second honeymoon. But we are spending the night in France and we are not taking calls."

Dick released the various buttons and latches and zips on his suit. "Deal. Bruce has a small safehouse in Paris we could use. I'll just make sure he's not there first." He finally got the damn thing off him.

Wally handed him a change of clothes, kissing Dick's knuckles. "Sounds like a plan. It's not gonna be creepy in there, is it?"

"It looks like a house, mostly," Dick replied, zipping up his pants. "There's a mini-batcave underneath the building, but that's as creepy as it gets."

"Wait."

Dick paused on the way to grabbing his shirt. "What?"

"Your abs are distracting me."

Dick smirked. "Are they now?"

Wally dragged Dick towards him by the waistband of his pants. "Sex first?"

"Let's try to get to the bed this time."

Wally lifted Dick into his arms. "No promises."