Cinnamon Twigs: The Life and Pseudocide of a Celebrity

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Falling Rain

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Falling Rain

My time with Lisa hastened to its end. She’d been accepted at the University of Kent. I would attend Cardiff University. We wouldn’t be able to see enough of each other to maintain our relationship. We didn’t mention our impending break-up. It just hung over us, refusing to wander away like the proverbial cloud. I couldn’t imagine life without Lisa’s smile, her laugh.

     I savored every moment with her, listening to the calm rhythm of her breathing when she slept and touching her soft hair. Her side of the bed would soon be empty, and the familiar scent of her hair would gradually leave her pillow. Our futures came first. She’d always wanted to study at Kent and I couldn’t hold her back.

     We embraced each other in her garden, under an uncharacteristically grey sky, on an August afternoon. She smiled and told me she loved me, but sadness filled her eyes.

     ‘I love you too. You’ll never know how much,’ I said.

     Soft rain fell from the heavy clouds. I wanted to hold her forever, to tell her to stay with me. The thought of being alone killed me inside.

     ‘It’s going to end, isn’t it?’ I looked up at the sky as a gust of wind scattered leaves across the turf.

     ‘What?’

     ‘Us…’

     She didn’t say anything. She just placed her delicate fingers on my lips.

     ‘I’ll never care for another girl.’

     ‘You don’t know that,’ she whispered.

     ‘How could I, Lisa? How could I be happy in someone else’s arms, in someone else’s smile, when all I want to do is hold you and be with you? I love you more than I could ever love another girl.’

     ‘You’ll find someone else.’

     ‘How can you just stand there and say that?’ I snapped.

     ‘I don’t want you to be with someone else, but I want you to be happy. I can’t imagine life without you, but we have to get on with our lives.’

     ‘I know.’

     ‘We’re young. We have so much ahead of us. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. We can’t predict the future.’

     ‘I thought we’d always be together. We grew up together…’

     ‘And we spent some time apart until we went to college. Maybe this is just like that. Just a gap. You’re everything to me, Dan.’

     ‘No, I’m not. You have your future and your plans. We both do. We can’t hold each other back, no matter how much it hurts. It’s gonna be the hardest September ever without you.’

     ‘You’ll meet new people. You’ll have a great time and you’ll forget about me.’

     ‘Don’t say things like that,’ I said. ‘You’ll always be on my mind.’

     For a while we held each other in silence, listened to the rain. I savored her warmth and kissed the tears on her cheeks.

     ‘I think we’d better go inside.’ I broke our silence. I wanted her to stay in my arms, even if it meant drowning in the rain, but it was over.

     ‘Wait a moment. Do you remember the last scene in Four Weddings And A Funeral?’

     ‘Well, that’s a non-sequitur! Yes, I do.’

     ‘They stand out in the rain and there’s that line…’

     ‘Andie MacDowell says she hadn’t noticed the rain, right?’

     ‘Yeah, that’s it. It’s like the worst delivered line in movie history!’ She snickered.

     ‘But I like that scene. Reminds me of when we first got together.’

     The grey clouds loomed over our heads, and I realized why she’d mentioned that scene. Our relationship was cyclical. As Lisa kissed me on both corners of my lips, the memory of our first kiss on that rainy night came back to me. Again, she looked gorgeous, her hair disheveled, and beads of rain dripping down her face.

     ‘It’s raining,’ I said.

     ‘Is it? I hadn’t noticed.’ She pressed her body closer to mine.

     The rain fell heavier, hurting our skins.

     ‘Come on, babe. It’s time to go inside.’

     I spent my first two weeks at Cardiff University feeling very depressed, struggling to make new friends. My mother found my heartbreak hilarious. She laughed hysterically and blasted sad Rod Stewart songs whenever I came home. But when she’d finally stifled her maniacal laughter, she gave me a hug and said, ‘There’ll be plenty more girls, plenty more times of feeling in love, of feeling heartbroken. The first cut is always the deepest…’

     I tried to pick myself up and get on with things. Even though it was painful whenever Lisa text me, saying she missed me, I knew we’d both be okay.

     The texts eventually stopped, and first love seemed so long ago. Some memories were distinct, but others were foggy and I had to work hard to make them real. It still hurt, a lot. The first cut is always the deepest: my mother and Rod were right.