Awakening (konnie)

Addictions

I've been in and out of hell for the past two weeks unable to escape my inner temptations.

My wrists ache for the slice of the razor blade craving to be set free and give in to the addiction I've been consumed by, the feeling of my blood rushing out of the wound and falling onto the floor leaving a temporary yet satisfying rush of pain.

I deserve to feel pain for what I am I crave a release from my own personal hell I have to live through each and every day.

The thought of death haunts me, unable to sleep, eat, or even move.

I feel numb, emotionless, unhappy and I don't even know why.

Or do I?

The thoughts that run through the gears in my head turn day in day out never resting, not for one second.

All I want is an escape from the thoughts that consume me, an escape from this evil place, my own personal hell, I might never be free.

Thoughts of suicide are an ongoing occurrence but I'll never tell, the addiction I have isn't what you'd call normal, but sickening.

The feeling of a razor blade sliding across my flesh is my only sensation, I focus on the pain and my thoughts are released temporally, after every scar there is a memory untold, a reminder of how weak I've become. A failure is what I am unable to do anything right, just a pathetic waste.

I'm worthless, I shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as everybody else, I'm not worth anybody's time, patients, or love, I don't deserve it. Cause no one can love a monster, I want to die cause all I can think about is suicide.

I'm to far gone the darkness has taken me and is pulling me down, I'm unable to escape its monstrous clutches.

What confuses me the most out of life is how can someone say they love you and then leave once you've opened up to them completely?

I guess this is the reason for my social anxiety/separation anxiety, everyone I've ever loved so dearly has up and left me once things became too difficult.

I've come to the conclusion that no one can love a monster, or at least you can't love someone who doesn't even love themselves, it just never works no matter what you may say.

I've returned after a long sleepless night in my stall (his room) just awaiting the day I can finally take my last breath, this thought has been lingering in my mind for a long while now and I can't seem to get rid of it, I can't seem to drown it out. The bell has rung and as I'm walking to my locker I was surprised to look up to that perfect emo kid, I don't think I ever asked his name, must have slipped my mind somehow.

I stood there waiting for him to leave or at least move out of the way so I can put my bag in my locker, but neither of those assumptions happened so I just stood there as the awkward silence blew through the wind for a couple minutes.

"H...Hi" my voice all of a sudden became dry and shaky, every time I see this guy I can help but get all jittery and nauseous, he leaned towards my face and met his eyes with mine, I have never seen such amazing eyes like this before I could stare at them all day, it's like they had some sort of power drawing me toward him and it was truly hard to resist.

"Did someone forget to ask my name?" He sounded as if he was teasing me, a playful grin appears on his face.

"By the way my name is Kyle."

Kyle?

what a weird name it kind of slides of the tongue a little bit, though, but I like it.

"I.. It's nice to meet you, Kyle" my voice wasn't as shaky as it was before I might actually start taking a liking to him. No Johnnie what are you thinking!?

You can't get too close you know you'll just get hurt you mustn't let him in you don't want to scare him off, if he found out the true about you, he'd never look at you the same, he'd grow to despise you, hate your very existence and drop you without notice..

Just like the others, they may have said they weren't going anywhere but you knew the truth behind their empty words, you knew their truth intentions you stupid fucking idiot!

The voices in my head were right I am a stupid idiot I should've learned by now to just give up before they give up on me.