The Gift of Girls

Chapter Five: John

I knew there was something slightly off about Jodie, but I was so enchanted by her that I'd been too blind to notice it. The announcement of an arranged date at her house threw me off a little - we'd only known the girls for less than a day! - but I was still eager to her again. I thought she was wonderful; the most lovely girl I'd ever come across, but I kept my feelings to myself.

The other lads were acting stupid, stupid, stupid. At least I had the decency to keep a lid on how excited I was; Paul was so ecstatic it was like watching a fireworks display! I was quietly eating my breakfast on the morning of our big date when Paul bounded into the kitchen, all bubbly and bouncy. He had a pathetic, hopeful grin on his face.

"Good morning, Johnny," he crowed. "Are you ready?"

"Ready for what?" I mumbled, even though I already knew.

"We've got our dates today!" Paul said, practically screaming in my ear. "This will be our first real date in over two years! Isn't that wonderful?"

"Yeah. Wonderful."

"I wonder if the girls are as excited as we are?" Paul said, out of the blue.

"Ha, if they're as excited as you are, Paulie, then I wouldn't bother going," I said.

Paul looked at me sideways. "You what?"

"It's a scientific fact," I said, "that girls are more excitable than guys. So if you're practically bouncing off the walls, then the girls won't have any walls left to bounce off!"

Paul rolled his eyes in an exaggerated way, making it plain that he didn't give two hoots about me or my scientific theory (which I'm still convinced is true). He strolled over to the kitchen bench and filled the kettle, then began throwing teabags into mugs. I watched him for a minute or two then went back to my cornflakes.

George skulked into the kitchen, looking an absolute mess. His hair was sticking up in odd angles and the skin underneath his eyes were bright purple, the colour of ripe plums. He was wearing his best jeans and a big blue shirt, but they didn't look right in the morning light. He plonked himself down across the table from me and seized the box of cornflakes. He shook the contents into a bowl so violently that they sprayed out onto the table. He poured milk so fiercely that it gushed like Niagara Falls and overflowed his bowl. Paul and I stared at him anxiously.

"Are you okay, Geo?" I asked warily.

"Do I seem okay?" George snapped, slamming his spoon down.

I jumped and the juice in my cup spilled all over the table. Some of it dribbled over the edge and sloshed into George's lap. He swore violently and started yelling at me for being so clumsy. I glared right back at him and asked coldly what had rattled his cage.

"This whole date thing," George said crossly. "What the hell are we doing?"

"We're going out for the first time in forever, that's what!" Paul cried, dashing around with paper towels and damp sponges.

"Well, you can. I'm not," George replied, as if that settled it.

"What?!" Paul shrieked. "Why?!"

"Like I said the other day, Gina thinks I'm worthless. She hates me, so I see no point in going on a stupid old date with her. I also don't think Reeny would appreciate it if I suddenly got a girlfriend."

"What rubbish! She'd love it!"

"You don't know my daughter like I do. She can't stand strangers."

"But Gina isn't a stranger."

"I only just met her yesterday!"

"That's long enough, isn't it?"

George let out a frustrated scream and stormed off down the hallway. I heard his bedroom door slam. I stared at Paul pityingly. He looked like he wished he'd kept his stupid mouth shut. He was going to start in on me soon if I didn't get a move on. I leaped up from the table and headed smartly out of the door, carefully avoiding one of Paul's infamous lectures.

* * * *

I arrived at Jodie's house and rapped smartly on the door. While I was waiting for an answer I glanced around quickly to see if there were any giveaways on what sort of person Jodie was. There wasn't anything obvious hanging around. I heard footsteps approaching the door: two steady feet clip-clopping in high heels and... several scampering paws?

"Hi, John," said Jodie, flinging the door open. "How nice of you to come over!"

"Hello, Jodie," I replied, staring down at the floor rather than her rather excited face.

There were several cats looming around her feet, meowing and crying, making one hell of a commotion. I tried to count how many cats she had exactly, but they were moving around too much to count accurately. Jodie bent down and snatched up a little black kitten, cradling it in her arms as if it was a human baby. She kissed the top of its head.

"This lovely little lady is Lisa," she explained, stroking the kitten's fluffy black fur. "She's probably my favourite out of all my cats."

"Oh," I said flatly. "How many cats do you have?"

"Including little Lisa here, about fifteen. Most of them are old cats that used to belong to my mother and aunt."

"I see."

I eyed the hundred and one cats that were still crying on the doorstep. Jodie laughed airily and gestured for me to follow her inside. I picked my way through the hoard of cats and stalked along after her. We arrived in the living room, which was full of more cats: sleeping on the couch, sprawled out on the floor, climbing the huge cat tower that was standing in one corner. Some of them glanced up as we entered the room, their pointy ears erect. They were all making a lot of noise. One or two tried to sharpen their claws on my brand new trousers!

"Have a seat," Jodie said, setting Lisa down.

"Where?" I asked, staring in horror at the sea of crowing felines.

Jodie giggled. "On the couch, silly!"

She scooped up an armful of cats and dumped them on the floor, causing them to scatter and scamper away out of sight. Jodie sat herself down on the couch and patted the empty spot beside her. I placed myself gingerly beside her.

The visit itself wasn't too bad; Jodie was quite good company, very funny and entertaining. What really bugged me was the amount of cats that were hovering the entire time, watching us like fluffy vultures. It was extremely stressful trying to act normally. All I could think about was how much cat hair my clothes must have been collecting.

"Thank God that Paul has a clothes-brush at home!" I thought.

At one point a huge white-and-orange cat leaped right onto my lap, startling me so much that I nearly fell right off of the couch! The cat didn't seem to care that I wasn't actually part of the couch; it trotted around in circles a few times then made itself comfortable right on top of my groin. This doesn't sound too bad, but this cat was huge. It felt like Ringo had taken a seat in my lap!

"Aw," Jodie cooed. "It looks like Missy has taken a shine to you!"

"Yeah, she sure has," I grunted, not breathing a word of complaint even though my genitals were probably crushed by now.

"Well, I should probably feed my cats now," said Jodie, glancing at her watch. "Would you like to help me?"

"No, thanks," I said quickly. This was my chance to escape! "I should probably get home."

"But it's not even two o'clock yet," Jodie pointed out.

"Yeah, well, we have dinner really early," I gabbled. "Thanks for the tea and everything. Maybe next time you could come to my house for a visit."

"I'd love that," Jodie said, smiling radiantly at me. "I'll see you soon, then?"

"Yeah! Totally!"

With that, I pushed the huge Missy off of my lap, brushed the loose fur from my trousers, and made a dash for the door. I didn't stop running until I was out of the house and halfway up the street. While I was running I thought that maybe we had been a little hasty to find girlfriends. I was convinced that Jodie wasn't a bad person; it was just her massive cat collection that bothered me.

"Maybe George has a point," I thought. "I like Jodie a lot, but having fifteen cats? I don't think I could cope with that - not for all the tinned tuna in the world!"