This Is Me

Part 8

I have to keep myself sane and busy. With too much time I break down. Plagued with panic attacks and nightmares of normality. I can't stand knowing that I fit in as well as a monster in a group of children. Music blocks out the problems of every day life and calms me down. Who do I tell about this? I haven't the slightest clue. I'm not insane. I'm just a slightly depressed, completely clueless, girl with no hope.

My world caved in on me about four years ago. I guess I should stop telling you how I Feel in the most vague ways and just tell you what happened...

I, Grace, was a girl that understood nothing. From the time I was born, I didn't know how to speak to people. I thought I was one of them. I thought I could fit in but, I could and it took forever to realize it. It' s because when you are a kid. When young, the world hasn't shown it's harsh truth. As I child I never had a friend beside my brother who I treated horribly. My brother was like a play mate that you paid. Our favorite summer time activity was trying to drown each other in our pool. When we were young, we only had each other. I never deserved to have someone as great as him around. I treated him like a slave half the time and made him cry almost everyday as a child.
Later I then had a cousin that joined us with our silly games and everything wasn't as harsh when he was around because even though my brother was younger than us and my cousin and I were close in age. The two of them were both boys. They encouraged me to be active. They made me love videogames. Though to the world I looked and acted like a barbie doll, I was really me when I was with them. Sadly my cousin goes upstate for school so I only see him on breaks. Now, 12 years later, I can't tell if he even cares when I'm around. My best friend is now a stranger and I can't help but despise him for it. I can't help but believe he hates me. I can't help but blame myself for him leaving.
My mother tried to be a mother at one point. Sadly, when I was born I wasn't important enough to her to try to be a mother. She ditched me with my grandmother as she worked and met up with all her friends enjoying her life. Almost two years later my brother was born. She tried to leave him with my grandmother. Her plan failed. My brother formed an instant bond with her and would cry when we stayed and my grandmother's house. My mom quit her job for him. She would to anything for him. I was just a mistake it seemed. She tried to be a mother for me. She says I was an easy child but, to me it seemed she completely forgot about me.
I was nothing. I remember being 5 years old. My parents would fight. My mother would come to my room. What she did, I would repress the memories of until I made them strengthen me. My mother would talk about killing herself. She would ask me how I would feel if I didn't have her anymore. Who asks a 5 year old that. When speaks to a little child about killing yourself. Her actions I feel are unspeakable. I will never be that person.
My father wasn't around when I was younger nor is around much now. He is here but he does nothing.
I live my life but, I never really feel like I'm living. I feel neglected, worthless, like I am nothing. No on knows who I really am. I'm a lost soul drifting in a sea of misery. Who's to stop me from drowning in my own pain. I had no one but my brother during all this time. My cousin has left me after all this time and the world doesn't need me anymore. I'm reliving all my worst memories everyday. Let me escape from this nightmare.
I spent 3rd-9th grade with no idea of who I was. I was lost. I was a thousand people while I tried to figure out who I was. In the end it was all a lie. I wasn't the person I pretended to be. I just wasn't. I acted violent. I lashed out. I hate violence. I just do but, no one notices. I guess I'm a good actor. Back then all I wanted was for a person to notice me. I wanted was to mean something to someone and to be someone that they wanted there or needed in there life. I am tired of my existence.