Memoirs of a discontented teen

Chapter 1

" Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who
thought devastator was too
emotional..." - David Levithan

"I'm sorry Victoria. I didn't mean to hurt you, I love you! The situation between us just got so messed up and you-" I huffed. "So basically what you are trying to say is that it's my fault you cheated on me?" I interrupted, pacing around my room, tears filling my eyes.

"No... I know it's on me and I take full responsibility V. It's never going to happen again I swear!" he vowed.

I let out a mirthless laugh. "You're not sorry Jah. I don't deserve this b.s. I bet if that.. if that idiot Lor-" Irritation rasped in my voice, even saying her name was difficult. "Lorraine hadn't told me herself you would've continued playing me like a fool!" I finally let out, crumpling onto my bed and hugging my knees up close with my phone pressed to my cheek.

"C'mon, it's not like that Victoria, I felt like shit after I realised what I'd done and I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. I know I messed up. I'm an asshole. Call me everything in the book and I'll take it!"

"I can't believe you would do this to me when I gave you my all Jaheem! I've been nothing but loyal to you. I've been your girl through and through. And this is how you repay me? I can't do this! I'm done, have a nice life!" I exclaimed, my voice sounding a little brittle.

My heart felt like it was shattering, my lungs weren' t working correctly, my chest went heavy and tears began to roll down my cheeks.

"Don't say that V. I made a mistake ... I'm sorry," he apologized. I wiped the tears from my face and clutched my chest to calm the thudding that felt as if it would break my ribs. "I don't want to lose you," he continued, "Just tell me what to do to fix this and I'll do it I swear. Anything, babe. I'm really sorry." His honeyed voice sent chills down my spine and made me hold on to myself tighter.

I tried to get my thoughts together but I was afraid to say anything because I didn't want him to hear me break to pieces.

I hung up and threw my phone to the side of my bed in frustration. More tears filled my eyes - tears of anger and sadness replacing the ones that had already fallen.

I'd always been hesitant before getting into a relationship and it was worse when it came to Jaheem.

Jaheem and I had been good friends for a while, though I admit I had a minor crush on him the first time we started talking.

It all started on Facebook. He was Facebook famous which meant he had thousands of followers, likes and comments on all his posts. Must be nice, I thought. I imagined his inbox was filled with skinny blonde airheads (guessing that was his type), fighting for his attention. I'm pretty sure the only reason we were friends was because we went to the same school and we car-pooled together sometimes.

I wasn't the most confident person, so kissing him during a game of truth or dare at school was one of the ballsiest things I've ever done. I must've done something right because when I got home he blew up my phone and that's how we start flirting and hanging out more.

I was beyond surprised when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was some kind of sick joke. I was reluctant to say yes because I didn't want to ruin the friendship we had built and also the friendship I had with somebody else.

But I did. I said yes to my crush and I was happy- I really thought he would be different! I really thought he would treat me right.

I trusted him.

I loved him.

Shit, I still loved him.

I closed my eyes and kept picturing him with Lorraine. Did he kiss her the way he kissed me? Did he hold her the way he held me? Thinking of the two of them together just made me cry more.

The fact that he cheated on me hurt, the fact that he cheated on me with her hurt even more! Lorraine wasn't even a senior. Jaheem cheated on me with a freshman.

Was it because I wasn't pretty enough?

Jaheem would always say that he didn't mind how I got my hair done or whether I had makeup on or not.

I was just a simple girl who turned into an insecure narcissist when it came to relationships, with brown hair and the kind of eyes you forget while you're still looking at them. My imperfections were the only things I saw when I caught an unexpected reflection of myself.

But inside.

Inside I was filled with fireworks, love and ambitions meshed with a little fear and uncertainty about life. I felt as though I was stuck in a perpetual state of wanting. Always longing for something better than the present situation; discontented.

The bitterest of ironies is that the same people who make us feel the most accepted, secure, and beautiful are the same people who make us feel the most rejected and heartbroken when they leave for someone who is the spitting image of what they said they don't care about.

That was the kind of thing my best friend Malia and I would get a kick out of. Karma was indeed a fickle bitch.

Should I be this mad at Lorraine though? At least she was brave and had the decency to tell me the truth. Wait, wheat was I thinking? Of course I should be mad at her. But there was no point in trying to decide who's hurt me more. Like the difference between being thrown from the 11th or 12th floor of a building-they both kill you.

I grabbed my pillow and held it tight and close to my chest. My heart was really hurting and I felt the pain through by whole body. Why would he do this to me? I asked myself over and over. Should I call him and curse him out?

I didn't know what to do. I loved him so much, even after he caused me such heartache. I wanted him to feel the way he's made me feel. I wanted him to feel like he was paralysed.

My phone rang again and the sound pierced the silence in my room. I picked it up and saw his flawless black skin. He had the kind of face that stopped you in your tracks. A beautiful face, well defined with a distinct jawline. Those deep, dark, catastrophic brown eyes made me weak to my knees. And those perfect lips! Ripe for kissing, curved into a playful smile. It made Jaheem look devilishly handsome.

I didn't even realize that I had been biting my bottom lip until I tasted a little blood. How can something so beautiful cause me to hurt so badly? The phone stopped ringing. I unlocked it and put it on silent.

I closed my eyes again. This time I tried not to think about him or her or anything. I just wanted to be alone in the blankness of my thoughts and escape this pain.

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This chapter was edited by katelouise_ ♡
*Photo of Victoria in the chapter*