The Survivors Guide to Suicide

Rule #1

Avoid People at All Costs

You see when other people get involved with you and your life or vice versa, there is bound to be scarring, bleeding and pain.

I know I've learned the hard way. Before when I was a slightly less depressed person, I thought having a lot of friends would cancel out all of the pain I held inside. Of course the 7 year old me was wrong. I dont think of my past as scary, but like a nightmare that I've had to relive every night when I close my eyes. But it doesnt feel real its that feeling of, 'This isnt happening to me.. not to me.' but it is. I think i thought of this rule when i was sitting inside of a police station and infront of me was a nice detective. He gave me a stuffed animal it was a pink kitten with a beautiful pink bow. I know it was in october because the detective offered me halloween candy, a full size kit kat. This is when the door opened and my dad walked in, and behind him my moms father walked out of a door. It was like slow motion, the door shut and i sat there stunned.

The man who I knew with every fiber of my being was meant to rot in jail, got to walk away unharmed and unashamed of taking advantage of his 3 year old granddaughter. And I got all this turmoil from inside, all this pain. Dont tell me to get over it, because its not that easy. I grew up thinking that people, especially family, were to be trusted and at a young age it got ripped from me.

I knew that this was the truth. That this really happened to me because I had the vivid memories of him touching me and stripping me. The worst part was that I pretended to be asleep because I froze. I didnt know what he was doing or why. I didnt know if this was ok or if I said something if he would hurt me. All I knew was that I took it and then pretended to wake up afterwards. I was missing my underwear, and I left the room and crawled into bed with my brother. But I believe this is the truth, no one in my family believed me, no one wanted to believe it was true or that it ever happened.

But that day at the police station he was taking a lie detector test. And he passed.

This just furthered the point that I was a liar. My mom was convinced that my father brainwashed me. But a kid can easily crack under pressure and spill the truth. But 12 years later here I am with the same exact story.

See as I got older I felt compelled to tell the people that I thought needed to know why I was sad and depressed all the time. And then Id tell them the whole story, and this is why you avoid people at all costs. Telling people made them either, call me a liar and and a whore who deserved it, or a victim. I wasnt either of those but eventually it wore on me that I was broken, damaged goods that no one would want. I was all used up. You cant trust anyone.

But here I am 15, and not dead yet. Ive gotta say that this has got to be a good thing, but all that pain and scarring I was talking about, is worn on my wrists.

"Yo Alaska? snap out of it!" Kayden said loudly. "What are you thinking about?"

I knew it was to late when I felt the swell of tears in my eyes, "You know just stuff."

When I said that you cant trust anyone its true, but over time you see there is always that one person who slips in and somehow you get a little too comfortable.