The Survivors Guide to Suicide

Rule #3

You can look but never touch the blade to your skin...

But its ok to pretend ..

I used to think it was ok to know that there were people out there that you could never have. It used to make me feel bad about being who I was, until I met Kayden. He was this dorky adorable person who I trusted more than anyone. I told him everything about myself. I knew he'd always be here for me. Until he wasn't. We hadn't talked for a few months after I told him I liked him. He had Claire and I was alone. So what did I do? I joined choir and I started to return to myself, instead of the lame cello girl, I was the amazing Soprano.

I threw myself into choir with everything I had. I tried out for solo's, I didnt get one, and I practiced all the time. It was the only thing that kept my mind off the fact that I was losing everyone. We had choir practices almost every day at the towns theater for our big combined piece with the towns symphony. After one of the practices I got a text from a boy. Spencer. He was great but I stopped talking to him when I realized he wasnt really interested. And I just kind of continued on. I dont really talk to guys so it was fun for a second. And my friend Patrick he told me all about this junior boy, Spencer. How Patrick got played by him, and let me tell you Patrick is like my gay bff. He said he got really played and that made me back off more.

Until I couldnt help myself. He said all the right thing and he was so cute and he was just everything I had been looking forward to in high school. It was December by this time, and we talked everyday and we hung out, went to the movies, STAR WARS, I kissed him on the cheek and held his hand. But he started to get distant. On New Years Eve he didnt answer my texts or open my messages. He could post on his snapchat, but couldnt read mine. I try not to let boys get to me but sometimes I just cant help it. I dont even know what I did to make him stop talking to me. We werent dating but I felt like I could have had a future with him.

The only thing that kept me up at night was wondering what I did wrong. It seems I always mess things up. Hmm only about a year ago I was dealing with the same thing wasn't I? Dylon and I. He talked to me all the time, kissed me once, but like Spencer we weren't dating and he played me. He got a new girl and stopped talking to me. On February 26th Dylon and I dated for 4 months. 4 god damn months of pure torture. I loved him, or so I thought. And you cant help but feel like it's your fault when the boy you like just up and leaves.

I don't know what I did. But I know that taking the blame lead me to sit in my bath tub holding a piece of broken glass, wishing I could cut. But I promised myself I wouldnt. I know very petty of me. To think this over a silly little boy ..