Chapter 18

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by got7goat

by got7goat

Kylie POV

I have to admit something. From all the nervousness and anxiety of my first train ride,I cut. I slit my wrists a couple times to all my old scars became new ones and they were fresh and sore this morning. I stole a pencil sharpener from my home room teachers desk on the day before Thanksgiving break. I went into the school bathroom and threw the sharpener on the ground and knocked the blade out. Thank goodness it was a cheap one that broke easy. It didn't cut very well, but after a couple slits in the same place, I got it to work. It became dull very easy. I got my leg bloody from the blood on my wrists and got my hands bloody. I had a plan. I ran into my 1st period and this happened.

"I fell and well this happened, I cut my leg really badly. May I please go to the nurse?" Of course they said yes. I ran into the pole and actually cut my leg. I strangely actually enjoy pain. Which is one of the reasons I cut. I put a hoodie on so they wouldn't see my wrists,and think it actually was my leg.

I had convinced the nurse I was fine and that I could just go home. Jaspar was filming so Oli picked me up,like usual. What sucked is that he could tell it wan't just my leg. Of course, I convinced him it was.

"We have to go to my apartment because they are filming" Oli said

"Okay. I love you. Just thought I should say that"

"Okay..then. Love you too" He finished as we drove to his apartment in quiet

****

When I told my parents (Jaspar) that I was going to the outskirts of London to meet up with an old care taker they were not thrilled. At first they wanted Oli to go with me. I did NOT want that. They respected that and that is why at the moment I am on a train with Caspar's old friend Josh. I do not like the way Josh is looking at me. He wouldn't try anything because he knows I'm dating Oli and that I'm his best friend's daughter. It is extremely awkward right now. I can't breathe. I can't speak. I fell to the ground. I can't see. I'm crying.

"ARE YOU OKAY??!?" People shout,including Josh. I can't breathe which makes it hard to respond. I stutter weird noises.

"P-p-panic att-ttack" I sputter and I lose it.

If someone touched me I flipped. I couldn't control my body. This was unlike any panic attack I have ever experienced. Ever. After what seemed like an hour, I stood up and grabbed my head. It felt like a bowling ball. I wasn't on a train. I was on the couch in our living room. Joe was leaning over my with his head in my lap. Caspar was pacing on the phone. Josh and Oli were engrossed in a conversation which I assume is about me. Joe notice's me moving and the boys crowd me. I always hated being the main attraction. I didn't like attention. I couldn't comprehend what they were saying,I was so tired. I consciously look at my arms. My sweatshirt was on the floor. My bracelets sitting on the couch. My cuts showing,loud and proud. Just minus the proud part. I reach for the sweatshirt and pretend to shiver. To make it appear I was just cold. Caspar hung up the phone and helped me put the sweatshirt over my head.

(A/N if you are unaware of what a sweatshirt and your just like "What the fuck is a sweatshirt?" It can be called a jumper, a hoodie, a zipperless jacket,etc.)